Blog entry for:

i am often surprised by what those two words mean and the weight they carry in my day-to-day living. there are many people in my life, that live in the manner i was quite content living in, before i got clean. for me, it was doing on a daily basis the exact minimum i needed to do, to survive another twenty-four hours. no plans for the future. no career path. most importantly manipulating others to provide what i could not provide for myself. oh i had a hundred excuses, one of my favorites was that i “forgot,” when the reality was that i knew but CHOSE to play the suffering martyr and manipulative bitch.
it was not that first day that i walked into the rooms, when i realized that i had finally had enough. it was not those first eighteen months or so, cruising between two fellowships, identifying as someone who required a hyphen. no my desire to leave behind the excuse and take responsibility for my life came when i actually, for real, put an effort in working the steps, with a sponsor who was part of the fellowship that has given me the desire to live free from the chains that once bound me. i had finally arrived at the place where i discovered that i had enough of my own bullshit and it was time to become what i never believed i could be, a functioning member of society.
as i approach my “golden” anniversary of my clean date, looking back over the days i have been clean and the days i have actually “been in” recovery, i can quickly see the difference. my days of coasting through life, just getting by, are over. these days i want to thrive and the only way i can do so, is to live an active program of recovery. it is true that i push myself. it is true that i challenge my beliefs and opinions. it is also true, that because i do so, i find that each day brings me gifts beyond my wildest dreams and i am not in my self-made prison of desire and dependence upon the kindness of others.
i cannot speak to the motives of those in my life, who just get by. i cannot prompt, prod, bully or chastise them into a life of action and choosing the path of doing for themselves, what they are capable of doing. i know for myself, every time i say i can't when i mean i won't, i am starting the spiral down into that self-made prison that i may never be able to escape from, again. it is a good day to be clean and just for today, i may not have “enough” but i will certainly get enough to thrive in this crazy, mixed-up world in which we live in.

∞ DT ∞