Blog entry for:

well even though i am not working a formal first step currently, the stuff that is coming up in my life these past forty-eight hours is more than enough to create a sense of urgency in me. parts of my past that have been long hidden from my conscious knowledge surfaced yesterday and after doing what is suggested, this morning i am once gain ready to surrender to the program that has given me a new life. i will leave out the salacious details but what has been uncovered is behaviors and acts that i long ago swore i would take to my grave and promptly buried them deeply within my mind. last night at the meeting my guilt turned to shame and self-flagellation.
what i have learned is that i need to remember that anytime garbage that has long buried may resurface. once again the part of me that is my disease used guilt and shame to cause me to doubt my sincerity and commitment to the program.
so what was does this seemingly irrelevant bit of random musing have to do with the first step? an excellent question, first off it provide evidence that i am still an addict and probably have been since i took that first substance all those years ago. secondly, the feelings surrounding this revelation create a situation within me that cries out once more to surrendering to the fact that i am an addict and that i NEED to remember that i AM POWERLESS over the my addiction and MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE as a result. and finally because of this i need to move forward in my program and do the next right thing -- which for me, right here, right now is to begin my step work again. i am once again reminded that though i may have some clean time, that this addict cannot afford to rest on my laurels hoping to stay clean today on yesterday&lsquo's work!
so off to the races, a little more humble and a little more grateful for the gifts i have received even when i did not ask for them!
∞ DT ∞