Blog entry for:

appearances of wholeness, was not the state of my life when i arrived. as much as i tried to make others believe that i was **whole** and that my only **problem** was legal, my peers saw through that masquerade and told me to **keep coming back.** this morning, after talking to a couple of my peers yesterday, i see that my judgement machine is in full throttle and i am doing my best to use my jazz hands, to keep anyone from getting too close to me. it is certainly true, that i am much more “whole” than when i was thrown to the wolves of recovery. it is also true, that my life is certainly a whole lot better, internally and externally. that does not mean that somehow, the fractured self that found itself in recovery, has totally healed and is ready to step out into the world, by itself. not by a long shot!
this morning there are a number of things weighing heavily on my mind. part of what i heard yesterday, made me think about the “me” part in those relationships, and ho i take on a judgement about what they “should” be doing. of course, they are surrogates for what i actually am thinking, specifically what i “should” be doing. i am not quite there yet, but at least i see where i may be going. putting my needs ahead of those around me is part of who i seem to be. i have concerns and worries on my own and have left my parents to their own devices for several weeks. the outcome? my mom is back in the hospital, after not doing what she was asked to do by her doctor. just as my friend from Texas reminded me of, when we sat down and talked, it is my responsibility to be a part of those lives, by reaching out, on a regular and consistent basis. instead of “pretending” to be something i am not, this morning i see a path to becoming what i never thought i could be, more selfless and caring. right here and right now, i need to get ready to head off to yet another diagnostic test, to determine the state of my prostate cancer. as tiring as it may be, and it is, i NEED to take care of myself, so i can be in the lives of those who love me. so it is once more, under the gun and into the chaos of a drive that i have not done since March. i can do my best to allow the medical professionals that are in my life top care for that part of me and yes, even take their advice, just for today.

∞ DT ∞