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in the grace of living just for today. as i grow and evolve in my recovery, i see more and more that i am living in a state of grace. the only problem with that idea, is the definition of what grace is or is not. when i peek at the definitions, and there are all sorts of them and none them fit into the spiritual program that i have implemented in my daily life. the one that comes closes still requires a bit of massaging to fit, but it goes something like this “free and undeserved favor, assistance given to me, from the POWER that fuels my recovery to assist in my ongoing recovery and my power stay clean today.” quiet a bit of change from the definitions i was given, but i am used to fitting definitions to fit into a program of recovery, as i have been doing it since i first walked into the rooms and nothing “fit.”
it is quite true that there was not one TWELVE STEP program that fit me when i first was sampling the wares. my first sponsor and i, determined that i could end-up going to twenty-six different ones, to cover all my “addictions.” i did not see that as a viable option and the luster of life in the liquid fellowship was quickly wearing off. i was going to the fellowship that eventually became my home, but that was for a social life and the members were younger, hipper and oh so much cooler. they atttacye0yted me from the get go, but the one thing i believed that was missing was long term abstinence. at the time the local fellowship had very few addicts that had a decade or more clean, but when it came time to jump into the pool, as it were, that did not matter to me, as i could not see myself attending meetings where i knew exactly what someone was going to share, pitch perfect and nearly word for word. i needed the reality of life on its own terms and not clichés, bumper stickers and slogans. i found it in the fellowship that is my home.
back to the topic at hand, after that diversion down memory lane, i see today that for me anyhow, i made the correct choice all those days ago. i may not agree with what all my peers say and i may find some of the bon mots a bit trite and tiresome. when i look at the whole picture, however, i see a way of living that has allowed me to become who i have always been and those fears of being changed into someone i would hate, i now see were quite ridiculous and were tools the part of me i call addiction used to keep me in its thrall. today, i will walk forward in FAITH, that if i allow it to happen, my recovery will continue to evolve and i will continue my transformation into the person i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞