β when i inventory my powerlessness, β
Posted: Tue, Aug 12, 2014 07:44:05 AM
i ask ourselves some simple questions. the first and foremost being, am i an addict and do i want to do something about it?! today that answer i come up with is YES and YES. more than enough said there, time to move along.
one of the most ironic events in my life is when those who have been “around” the rooms, use the clichés, slogan and literature to justify the most outrageous behavior and demand the most insane things from those of us, who happen to have made it here, stayed here and continue to look forward to another day clean. i mean seriously, i am not allowed to express an opinion about the quality of decisions someone has made, because i am supposed to respect them and “love them” back into the rooms? that is the most ridiculous, self-serving and over-entitled piece of bullsh!t i have heard recently, right up there with “ my feelings are not valid because i am dealing with the unfinished truth.”
seriously? the truth is always finished and has been finished for quite some time, my understanding of the truth is what is a work in process. part of being respectful to someone you love, is to tell them that you believe that they are fVcking up their lives, because apparently they are clueless to the damage they are doing. i know i was clueless when i was in active addiction and it did not take a string of court cases, restraining orders, jail stays and years in prison to get a clue that something was seriously wrong with me, and if i did not find a solution, i would spin my way down into a place where running away looked like a good alternative.
but oh no, i was stubborn back in those days, and smart to boot. i believed i was clever enough to put one over on the justice system and skate my way through my sentence with a minimum of pain and anguish, and yes the POWER that fuels my recovery, had a different plan for me, and one that i was certainly pissed off about, all those days ago, but grateful for today. you see, i had a hot UA 96 hours after my last use. whether i was dehydrated, my system shutdown or whatever, the fact is and was, i spilled hot 1 day later than i should have, and my probation officer could not believe that i did not use on that fellowship event. nope i used on my way up there and was so fVcking arrogant, that i did not wait until Monday, after all, i could count! what a difference a stupid, arrogant and over-entitled decision has made, and one i do not regret making today. had i gone straight home, drank lots of water and hit the monitored sobriety task the next day, who knows where i would be. chances are, however i would not be right here and right now, waxing philosophically on the lies i could tell myself, if i too, were one of those “around the rooms,” kind of guys.
the plain and simple truth is, as long as an addict like me, believes that they are in the right, they will never, ever find enough courage to walk back into the rooms and say it was a chain of bad decisions that led them back to recovery. yes i can respect and love those who are among the walking dead, that does not mean i am going to encourage or enable them, by falsely approving of the choices they happen to be making. for me, multiple court cases in multiple jurisdictions, multiple overnight stays in jail, the inability to show up and stay at work and the self-aggrandizing that has alienated my friends and family, may be enough symptoms of a life that is unmanageable and might be enough for me. i do not however, walk in someone else's skin, and when they decided that maybe something may need to change, my job is to say welcome back, have you had enough?
one of the most ironic events in my life is when those who have been “around” the rooms, use the clichés, slogan and literature to justify the most outrageous behavior and demand the most insane things from those of us, who happen to have made it here, stayed here and continue to look forward to another day clean. i mean seriously, i am not allowed to express an opinion about the quality of decisions someone has made, because i am supposed to respect them and “love them” back into the rooms? that is the most ridiculous, self-serving and over-entitled piece of bullsh!t i have heard recently, right up there with “ my feelings are not valid because i am dealing with the unfinished truth.”
seriously? the truth is always finished and has been finished for quite some time, my understanding of the truth is what is a work in process. part of being respectful to someone you love, is to tell them that you believe that they are fVcking up their lives, because apparently they are clueless to the damage they are doing. i know i was clueless when i was in active addiction and it did not take a string of court cases, restraining orders, jail stays and years in prison to get a clue that something was seriously wrong with me, and if i did not find a solution, i would spin my way down into a place where running away looked like a good alternative.
but oh no, i was stubborn back in those days, and smart to boot. i believed i was clever enough to put one over on the justice system and skate my way through my sentence with a minimum of pain and anguish, and yes the POWER that fuels my recovery, had a different plan for me, and one that i was certainly pissed off about, all those days ago, but grateful for today. you see, i had a hot UA 96 hours after my last use. whether i was dehydrated, my system shutdown or whatever, the fact is and was, i spilled hot 1 day later than i should have, and my probation officer could not believe that i did not use on that fellowship event. nope i used on my way up there and was so fVcking arrogant, that i did not wait until Monday, after all, i could count! what a difference a stupid, arrogant and over-entitled decision has made, and one i do not regret making today. had i gone straight home, drank lots of water and hit the monitored sobriety task the next day, who knows where i would be. chances are, however i would not be right here and right now, waxing philosophically on the lies i could tell myself, if i too, were one of those “around the rooms,” kind of guys.
the plain and simple truth is, as long as an addict like me, believes that they are in the right, they will never, ever find enough courage to walk back into the rooms and say it was a chain of bad decisions that led them back to recovery. yes i can respect and love those who are among the walking dead, that does not mean i am going to encourage or enable them, by falsely approving of the choices they happen to be making. for me, multiple court cases in multiple jurisdictions, multiple overnight stays in jail, the inability to show up and stay at work and the self-aggrandizing that has alienated my friends and family, may be enough symptoms of a life that is unmanageable and might be enough for me. i do not however, walk in someone else's skin, and when they decided that maybe something may need to change, my job is to say welcome back, have you had enough?
∞ DT ∞