Blog entry for:

then and only then, am i ready to take that first and often most difficult step toward dealing with addiction. as i have already front loaded this morning with the stuff i needed to do before taking my car into the shop, i have had plenty of opportunity to allow this reading to settle in, that would be if i did not have other stuff left over from yesterday on my mind. the choice i am making right here and right now to let that go by implementing the solutions that came to me, as they sit right now.
moving in a different direction, i can remember what it was like to be forced into a fellowship without having actually arrived at the point of desperation referred to above. the miracle is that even though i was coerced,. and even though i still thought i had some trips around the using block, i was almost desperate enough to do whatever it took to stay clean. in fact i was desperate enough to whatever it took to comply with the forces in my life that wanted me in the rooms of recovery. none of that, however is news to anyone who reads me on any sort of regular basis, so instead of rehashing the same old stuff i feel the need to talk about something new this morning.
what i felt when i read this entry this morning was how fortunate i am to still have the gift of desperation and how the desperate, bedraggled animal within, has an escape to becoming something more. just like the desperation i felt when my heart finally arrived in the rooms and had the desire to recover, i can still arrive back in that same place. especially after a journey through the twilight of living on self-will. there may come a day, when i am perfectly capable of making a third step decision and actually sticking to it. there may come a day when everything i do is run through an eleventh step filter that actually evaluates whether or not what i am considering goes towards the solution or furthers the problem. that day, however, is not today, and certainly was not yesterday. this addict still likes a bit of chaos in his life. this addict still delights in tipping over the apple cart. this addict still has more than enough anger and rage within to spew like a volcano all over the place. this addict however, is desperate enough to do something to change all of that. which, quite naturally closes the loop. it is the desire to be rid of all of that that drives my recovery process today. there are plenty of ‘yets’ left within, and i i do not want to fulfill those yets, than i have to do whatever it takes to stay clean today, and go a bit further than that, i have to do whatever it takes today to further my active recovery. which right here and right now is to say ta-ta and move into some work i am grateful for the time i just took to put my thoughts down in the world of bits and bytes, as now i have some more clarity about the stuff i need to let go of in the her and now. it a great day to be in recovery and i will see how i can actively advance that process today.

∞ DT ∞