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in my heart that i am an addict? that my friends is the crux of the biscuit. it is quite an appropriate question as i heard at least two of my peers state that they certainly had no doubts about being an addict, in the past twenty-four hours. these days, that is no longer a question i ask myself, as i, too, am quite certain that i am an addict as well. i am not HOWEVER, a “drug addict,” or “an addict of a certain description,” and i do not suffer from an “addictive personality.” where once i thought using all sorts of clever and gimmicky modifiers somehow made me “cool” or at least entertaining, when i identified myself in a meeting, today i see those vapid attempts as the means to separate myself from the pack. i cannot speak to the motives of my peers for doing so, as these days i choose not to read anything into what i observe, just accept it as what is.
coming off of my soapbox here, i did struggle with this question for quite some time. even after i got clean, this notion raised its ugly head more than once.in the days between getting clean and becoming a member, i did my best to fix in my head the notion that my “need” to get high was merely a bad habit which required a few months of downtime to break. in how i shared and how i behaved in the rooms, i only allowed my peers to get so close and not an millimeter closer, as in the end i was going to “ghost” them anyhow and move along, back into a life of “controlled” using. here i am, many years later, still clean and more than ever part of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. would i like to sample the newest of newly legal substances that i can purchase? there are days when that idea seems as if it is a good one, after all there is no “physical” dependence on that substance. then i open my eyes and remember that even that substance, even when used in “moderation,” made my life unmanageable. even that substance started my DESIRE for more. even that substance would certainly start that cycle all over for me, and i am fairly certain i will not be content with where that cycle may end.
which of course brings me back to the question that kicked this process off, this morning. YES, i believe in my heart that i am an addict and that if i use, i will be once again in the throes of active addiction. i can shuffle-ball-shuffle all i want to, but in the end, that fact does not change. how i describe myself when i identify in a meeting or when sharing with others one-on-one, is important to keep me humbly accepting that basic truth. IF i want another chance at life tomorrow, and right here and right now i certainly do, THEN all i have to do is live up to that admission and do the next right thing. the next right thing for me right now, is to sign-off and head on down to the office.

∞ DT ∞