Blog entry for:

towards dealing with addiction: the admission that maybe, just maybe, this REALLY is a problem that i cannot solve by myself.
coming to believe i was an addict was one of the most painful journeys of my life. those months at the end of my active addiction when i was between recovery, legal compliance, and trying to get away with using whenever and however i could, ground me down. the effort to maintain the two parallel lives was overwhelming and yet i took it on willingly, as it allowed me to use on a fairly regular basis, at least once a month. one my little tap dance got discovered and my cover was blown, i still was far from coming to believe i was any sort of addict and everything i did from that point forward was to ensure i was compliant to the boundaries my legal masters set upon me. since i was working my steps in another twelve step fellowship, i could nearly admit i was powerless over alcohol and drugs and use the term alcoholic-addict when introducing myself, as i believed neither was true, but that was what i had told my probation officer. even though i worked all twelve steps in my first year clean, i had yet to take STEP ZERO and my plan to be gone after eighteen months was about to come to pass when i took that trip to New Jersey, to hang with a “using buddy.” on my return to Colorado, i finally had come to accept that i was an addict, i proved on that trip that i was not powerless over drugs and alcohol, but that my problem went much deeper and would require a different sort of commitment, if i was to have any sort of life at all.
yes, i know i often go back to those dark and troubling times and for me, that is where it actually started, not my first meeting, not in jail, not in treatment, not in the midst of my “consequences” but when i finally felt the desire to use so strongly that i could see my powerlessness for what it was, a life draining force that would continue until i addressed it directly. i finally saw that addiction was not all about what and how much i used, but was a much deeper problem rooted in my self-centered obsession.
fast forward to a couple of decades later, here i sit, still in recovery, with a life that is unmanageable in some very limited aspects. it would be easy to ignore those “teeny-tiny” aspects and conclude that somehow i have addiction “defeated,” instead of admitting that i am still an addict. it is not a huge jump, based on all the outward appearances,. after all, finding the ways and means to use, is no longer my primary purpose. as i “dig” deeper into who an what i am, the part of me i call addiction, is still alive and present. the stories i tell myself, feed that aspect of myself and keeps me from seeing life as those who are not addicted do. i certainly am “better” than i used to be, and i am certainly no longer a victim of addiction nor a martyr on the cross of addiction, i am simply an addict working an active program of recovery, just for today. as such it means STEP ZERO is just as relevant to my life as it was twenty years ago and even when i CHOOSE not to admit it, addiction still plays a huge role in how i see the world, my place in that world and how i react to life on its own terms, which is far from stellar,from time to time. i still want to avenge the wrongs that have been done to me. i still want to build and polish resentments into the REASON that i need not be here. and yes, there is part of me that longs for the release that getting high once gave me. today i accept all of that and CHOOSE to take the necessary precautions to stay clean and live a life based in the principles of the 12 step fellowship that is my home. i may wish to graduate as i have seen some of my peers do, but i do not want to pay the price of admission, back into that side of my world. i happen to like the person i have become and the life i have been given, so just for today i will admit i am an addict and that i need something more to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞