Blog entry for:

more than enough or never enough; the term enough has all sorts of interesting interpretations. honestly when i was using, it was of course never enough and then maybe, after a particular bad run, never again i have had more than enough. the fact of the matter is that the term enough is enough to write a whole blog upon.
thinking about the tale of two men who are part of my life, one says he has had enough but is too overwhelmed by getting back on his feet to take the first steps beyond admitting that maybe he is beaten. the other? well, he still harbor the fantasy that he can live a picture perfect American dream life, kids, house, wife, job and even BBQs with just two beers.so which does the terrible trio think will make it? well actually both of them present their own challenges to their recovery, so for a change the judge, jury and executioner are out of bidness, which is quite a nice change of pace. what it comes down to is this: what do they believe in their heart of hearts is truly enough. in mine, all those years ago, it was not going to be a guest of the state for the remainder of my sentence. for them? well maybe they really have had enough.
shifting the spot light just a tad bit, i have a friend and peer, who i used to tease about coming into this way of life the “easier and softer way” he still had a family, a career that paid very well, several motor vehicles, a house and all the trappings of that normal American dream life i mentioned above. what he did not have was the inner strength to go another day, in the spiritual, emotional and physical condition he had succumbed to, after his years of using. his level of “enough” was not defined by what he had lost on the outside but how scorched he felt on the inside. ironically, back in those days, i denied there was any scorching internally and everything i had had enough of was on the outside,m affecting my insides and the comfort of my life. the irony is, that after the denial was finally stared to be breached, i saw that like my friend and peer, i too, had enough of the bleak and desolate landscape within to do something about my life. i, too, had enough and actually became a member and an active participant in my recovery. it is true, what he “got” in his very first days, took me nearly eighteen months, but i am a stubborn cuss, who used to believe that i knew everything i needed to know about myself, and that a touchy-feelie, 12 step fellowship was not about to change that.
lo and behold, look who is still pitching a tent in the rooms of that very same 12 step fellowship and who has become a fixture after a few days in the room clean. could i stop going to meetings? maybe. could i stop maintaining contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery? possibly. could i stop taking a daily inventory or any of the other things i do to actively live a program of recovery? of course i could. am i really prepared to accept the consequences, real or imagined, of doing so? not today. just for today i have had ENOUGH.

∞ DT ∞