Blog entry for:

with my family intact, my career still working for me, and all the outward appearances of wholeness. the reading goes on to what really matters and quite honestly i was unwilling to admit to myself that i was an addict when i came to my first meeting. it took jail time, treatment, more jail time and time in another fellowship to get to the point where i was almost ready to conceded to my innermost self that i may have a drug problem. in fact the admission of surrender to my addiction did not come until i was almost two years clean, and i finally began to feel the first step for the first time. even then it was a halting concession at best, one filled with loopholes and caveats, and reservations, so i could maintain how different i was from the freak show in the rooms in all the fellowships i was attending back in the day.
so just over a decade has passed since the first step finally took hold in me. much has changed in my life, and much has not. the past thirty-six hours have been scattered for me, as i now care about people, and my sponsor was injured in a motorcycle accident on Monday. as my entry for yesterday clearly shows, i certainly was not present for this task. today, however, i hear this topic screaming at me, to once again go back and make sure that my surrender to my addiction is still unconditional. the stuff that has changed in my life, may lead me to believe that i have somehow ‘WHUPPED’ this whole addiction affliction, and am ready to move on with my life. i am ready to move on with my life, BUT i am certain this morning that no whupping has occurred, except maybe me by the part of me i call my addiction. whupping the snot out of me!
do i believe that i am powerless over my addiction? not anymore, i have tapped into a source of POWER that frees me from active addiction. that POWER, is the source of my recovery, and if the time comes that i decide to remove my tap into that POWER, i will once again be at the mercy of my addiction. i know that sounds contrary to what is being said in this reading, however the reading is not necessarily about power or a HIGHER POWER, it is about the addict within. i am without a doubt an addict, i may or may not have born one, BUT i am certainly going to die as an addict. i also have FAITH, that IF i continue to be a part of the fellowship that has allowed me to live these past ten years in creative freedom of recovery, i will not die as a result of being an addict, or in active addiction. i will end-up dieing just like some ordinary, normal man of the twenty-first century.
enough of the doom and gloom. it is my knowledge of who i am, an addict, that allows me to be more than i was yesterday, and as i move forward into my day, it will allow me to become more tomorrow. recovery is part of me now, and i have no qualms about being an addict, those days have passed.
so it is off to hit the road and see where i can get to today.

∞ DT ∞