Blog entry for:

i am ready to LIVE the FIRST STEP. this JFT reading is a leftover from a previous edition of the text, and although the story that it came from may be gone, the thought, behind the snippet being used, does set-off a whole chain reaction of thoughts in my head this morning. my plan was to sleep until 6. have a very light breakfast and then hit the streets for a repeat of Friday's run. the reality? slept until 7:15, and felt every second of my 55 plus years when i got up and moving this morning. what does that mean for fitness, with a bicycle race going on around my neighborhood. a smaller distance and a kinder pace for me. i do NEED to work off all the ice cream and cake i have been eating the past 4 days, and i only know of one sure way to burn those calories off, in a manner that i enjoy, that is to run. plans aside, it is cooler this morning and the delay in running does not mean i will be frying as much as i was on Friday, enough already of this tangent, what is it that i really wanted to write about this morning?
living a first step, not just working one! what a novel idea. one of the characters who attends our meetings and proceeds to nod out the whole time, is an inspiration for me. he knows what the FIRST STEP says, can say all the right words, catch phrases, clichés and bon mots, that are floating around the rooms, but seems to be clueless about how to put it all together into a package that works. where am i going with this? well i need not slam him anymore, the example i used was to illustrate, that i too, suffer from the same condition, knowing what it says and how to apply it and not being willing to take that final leap of FAITH and live a life of powerlessness. i want to believe i have power, and this has been the major stumbling block, time and again in my recovery process. the spooky part is, that there are areas of my life, where i do have some power and the part of me i call my addiction, seizes upon those instances as proof that maybe i am not really powerless over my addiction after all, and maybe, just maybe i can…
that is the insidious part of me. the so-called slippery slope of positive example. just as i am NOT powerless over whether or not i will run today, and i am not powerless over whether or not i will eat ice cream or a hundred and one other major and minor parts of my days, the part of me ii call addiction wants to put itself into that basket, using the fact that i have been abstinent from the use of drugs for nearly a decade and a half. seriously, who am i to argue, after all i liked getting high right to the end. my plan was never to be clean for as long as i have been clean and seriously it was not the drugs that were the problem. all of that is true, and not some distortion of the truth and that is where coming around to living STEP ONE, is such a vital task for this addict. the part of me i call the addict, has quite neatly defined the problem , that precludes itself from consideration, and that was what i found myself doing, way back when i went to the 12 step fellowships that focused on a single mind or mood altering substance or behavior. by focusing on the trees, i nearly got lost in the forest and that is the most salient fact for me to remember. i too, can end up old, lonely and nodding out as the rest of the world passes me by, it is not that far of a leap from active recovery to active addiction. the real question than becomes, have i really had enough?
that too, can easily be circumscribed by a quick journey through the part of me i call addiction. enough drugs? not by a long shot, after all i am still alive and kicking. enough money? sex? prestige? things? food? NO! NO! NO! never enough and that is the crux of the problem, the fact that i can never be satiated and content with what i have. the fact that i will always want more, regardless of the rabbit hole i have to go down to get it. the fact that the suffering i cause myself and others feels trivial to the part of me that wants more and will do whatever it takes to get more.
which quite neatly brings me back to the top. i have to admit i have had enough of my life in active addiction and the consequences of that life on myself and others. i have to admit, that i want something more than just that next fix. when i admit that, it leads to a single conclusion. that IF i want more than i have to concede to my innermost self, what i am and what that means. i am an addict and that means that unless i want the life of active addiction, i have to live in a state that is powerless over addiction, that part of me i call an addict and all of what that entails.
so today, i have had enough AND i am powerless over addiction and ready to take the steps necessary to live a life free from active addiction. which for me, includes a battle with he bike race as i trot around the neighborhood.

∞ DT ∞