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then i am willing to go to any lengths to recover. the question therefore becomes, have i really had enough? my eternal argument with the part of me i call addiction. of course, that part of me, wants to discount the pain and suffering and the isolation that was my life before finding this path. when successful, it makes where i am today, not that far away from where i was. by reducing the contrast, i chip away at the foundations of the program that has given me this life, and lay the groundwork for my return to active addiction.
so i know all of that sounds hopeless, that if this battle is ongoing, and it is inevitable that i will end up using, why even go through the effort to stay clean today? the only reason that i do what i do, is because i have come to believe that it is NOT a foregone conclusion that bi will use again. in fact, i have FAITH that the process of recovery, as long as i am an active participant in it, will keep me from having the desire to use, shelter me from the storms of life, and continue to make me a whole human being, instead of the collection of fragments that constituted me when i arrived. coming to believe, FAITH and yes even HOPE are what i heard when i listened this morning for all of the 2.2 seconds i could stop the internal dialogue. my life is going through some major changes and as a result, my addict mind is racing through the same issues i spoke about with a sponsee last night. am i good enough to fulfill the employment contract i am about to start? how long before they discover me for the fraud i am? how can i possibly be worth what they are willing to pay me? how can i divert all these questions and not feel so unworthy for the gifts of a life of active recovery and a healthy connection with the POWER that fuels my recovery?
well, you know what? here is where i say ENOUGH!
just as i had to reach a place where i could admit without reservations that i am an addict, so i reach a place where i realize that i am worth something. my value, as a human being, as a college graduate, as a person who has motivated himself to work day in and day out over the past years, and yes as an awakening spirit is more than i want to admit. part of that comes from the addict within, that part of me that desires the uncontrolled use of substances, but most of it comes from eh messages i have received across the course of my life, that i have latched on to and made part of my internal dialogue. realizing that, i can rise from this little exercise this morning with the understanding that STEP ONE is not just about the uncontrolled use of drugs. truthfully, it has not been for quite some time. this morning what i have finally scraped off enough sh!t to see, is that i do have worth and that i need not settle for second best at anything. it is true, that i will not always be the best no matter how hard i try, BUT and yes it is a BIG ONE, that need not preclude me from trying! once i cease to fight, i can be anything at all, for then i can see the path before me. if i let go of the destination and look around me today, i WILL get what i need to be the best i can be today. i know, living a life of ifs is not necessarily a good place to be. this morning i see them as conditionals, part of an if then statement rather than a chain of events that must be met. i accept that i am an addict. i accept that addiction colors all that i am, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. i accept that for me, there is only one path to relive me of that burden, and right here and right now i firmly entrenched upon it. most importantly, I AM WORTH THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO STAY HERE!
so enough of this, and into my next task of the day. i am in dress rehearsal for my new mode of living -- working a full-time job and keeping my current customers satisfied. there are only so many minutes in a day, and i NEED to use them most fruitfully, so off to the streets i go.

∞ DT ∞