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a life free from active addiction? certainly an interesting question and one that is more than pertinent and apt, in this silly season of the thirty days before my clean day anniversary. yes, across the course of my recovery, i have made more bad decisions, done more things that i ended-up regretting an d generally have not felt a part of anything at all, in this final month of my annual cycle. the worst part is, that i know that this is an unsettled time for me, and yet i continue to persist in acting out in self-will without regard for what my true will in this matter happens to be. so of course, as i sit here thinking about those thirty days leading up to the eventual start of recovery, i can see, that this cycle of lunacy was present even then. that last month of running my own show and believing that i had this recovery gig dicked, and i could still use on the side, was beginning to wear thin, but as long as i was still getting away with what i wanted to do, and looking like the perfect recovering addict, all the while i was using, well my life was perfect. probation was off my back, treatment was letting me get away with murder, almost literally and yeah i was taking antabuse, but drinking alcohol was one of the easiest activities i ever declined to participate in. yes, even now, looking back at that period in my life, i can see how twisted i was. i can see how compartmentalized i was. i can see that even though i may have been fooling a few others, the biggest fool was me. that half life between full-out using and full-out recovery, really did suck and i was so deep in denial that i could not see it. when my friend Janice asked me if i was running off to use, one afternoon in that period, i got pissed-off and defensive, because that was going to happen, as soon as i took the test for probation that gave me a three day window.
when i look at it in that manner, i can see why i get so crazy in the here and now. that was when the pressure to sh!t or get off the pot was building, and i guess i have “feelings memory” as well as nostalgic recall these days.
sixteen years later, i can see that the FIRST STEP is just as important today, as it was when i was not ready to take it. in a cult-like manner i can catalog the evils of active addiction that i am powerless over, as well as the benefits of a program of active recovery that i get on a daily basis. i could, but it all boils down to the fact that i am not owned by addiction today. i can walk in the light of recovery and be assured that because i am not owned, i will be able to pursue anything i choose to do, even when it is fVcking insane and will lead to consequences that i will not enjoy. that is part of this freedom and with that freedom comes the responsibility to take control of those things withing my power, namely my recovery.
whether or not this gig can be scientifically proven to work or not, does not matter to me. all i know is, sixteen years ago i was an emotional, mental and spiritual mess, that was about to start a revolving door relationship with the justice system. i was not seeking a solution to my life, just my legal problems. today when i go to jail, i enter and remain in my own clothes and am escorted out after 60 minutes or so and thanked for coming. today, when i have trouble figuring out what i should do next, i can ask one or more of my peers in recovery and they will provide me with the options that i need to consider as i walk through today. all of this and so much more, just because someone else could not keep their mouth shut is the gift i got today, a life where i can be the sort of person i never could conceive of becoming and it is not a superstitious peasant. so off to work i go and into another day clean, it is a good day top be on this side of the grass.

∞ DT ∞