Blog entry for:

but all service work is equally important. although the reading is about my desire to make a contribution and goes directly to my concern that my efforts may not be adequate, i have something different on my mind this morning. i will deal with the reading first then i think i will move into what is really on mind.
’k, i have gone through phases in my recovery and my service career where i felt that nothing i do was having any effect on the fellowship, or going to further the primary purpose of the fellowship in which i choose to recover. the pendulum swings the other way also, where i think every thought influences that and i actually have some power with just the tiniest of efforts. today, i am somewhere in between those extremes, and i do see that i make a difference, as one of the projects i have done over the past week created a sense of good will and gratitude from a group of addicts who felt disconnected and isolated. so i DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
what is really on my mind are a couple of things. the first is some misgivings about going forward with the surgery i have planned in thirteen days. all of a sudden, when i walked out of the building after my pre-op physical yesterday, i started to doubt whether or not i want to go forward with putting myself under the knife. do i want to suffer possible complications, do i want to suffer pain, and most of all do i want to put myself into a vulnerable situation of having to rely on pain medication to heal. the question comes down to a bottom line decision are the possible benefits to me and my long term physical well-being worth the costs -- financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually? yesterday i thought it was, until i walked out of the office building. this morning i am quite unsure and as a result, have a great distraction going on, keeping me from being present for what is going on around me. i know that over the course of next weeks i will toss this question around and around, and i will keep going back to whose will is this anyways. but right here and right now, i have work to do, so i will let that happen and let this be, until i need a new distraction. after all, obsession and compulsion are part of the deal!

∞ DT ∞