Blog entry for:

what was given freely to me, even before i was ready to receive those contributions, is certainly a task i can be up yo today. i often wonder what it is i have to offer to others. i certainly have a cynical take on my life and the world in general and am far from being the **beacon of hope** that some of my peers seem to project. i do not see the world in the binary state of “positive” and “negative.” everything in my world view is a mash-up of a opposites that seem to balance one way or another, so when i share with another, especially the FNG, i am one of those that tells straight off that the path i am on is far from the primrose path, i would like to present to them.
i may not find my job to be as exciting and fun as i might want it to be, BUT, it pays me very well and i could be doing a whole lot worse, so i stay and seek the balance in my outlook between what i find desirable and what i find less than desirable. my recovery is not all that different. what keeps me clean is the routine that i have become habituated to, over the course of several thousand days. i know many of my peers fall into the “just for today” paradigm for whatever reason, but i tend to see several thousands of days clean as a victory for the recovery program that feeds my soul. i have come to believe that although the obsession to use has been lifted from me, and i can stay clean, day after day, i am far from “fixed.” i have also come to believe that being an addict is not the same as being “broken.” for whatever reason i was made this way, my choice then comes down to whether or not i revert to my “true” nature and descend into active addiction, or do i continue to walk with purpose upon the path of recovery i was given all those days ago.
i choose today, to stay clean, foster my recovery and allow myself to become a bit more like the person i have the desire to become. the alternative just might be to stop by a dispensary or liquor store and partake of those substances that will lead me back to where i came from. that choice was a gift i was given many days ago and whether it came from within, due to my dedication to the program of recover of from outside by the POWER that fuels my recovery, really does not matter. dedicated to the proposition of staying clean i think it is now time to step out into the “real” world and see what i can do to be a productive and responsible member of society.

∞ DT ∞