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the FIFTH Step, is a topic that i often share about, well at least the trust part. a consequence of doing so, is that i have gone over and over and over, this concept, so when the topic comes up in my source material, there feels as if there is nothing new under the sun here. which is almost correct, for some obscure and cryptic reason, i actually “heard” something a bit off my usual beaten path this morning.
there has always been “level” of what i trust and to whom i trust it. there has also always been “bragging rights” to some of the most insane things i did across the course of my active addiction. “stories of glories,” to rival my peers with their tales of violence and deceit. the “truth” is, i felt the need to compete with them, so i pulled out some of the stuff i did, embellished it a little bit, so i could look as “bad” as they were. although this “can you top this,” behavior was abandoned over decade and a half ago, it bubbled up from the depths this morning and popped off the stack loudly and with extreme prejudice. i surprised myself with how ashamed i felt in that instant and wondered how i could ever look my peers in the face again.
what provided instant relief was the knowledge of how i felt after my last FIFTH STEP and the unveiling of who i had not been for over half a century. all of those years of hiding myself in the shadows of a façade of being a service junkie and a “model” of a recovering addict, after being what i needed to be, to everyone, everywhere, before i got clean, had finally been terminated. the moment of shame i felt this morning, was “imagined” shame, as i now know that across the course of those years, i did what i needed to do, to save myself from myself. laughing with others when i was the butt of their jokes, only scratched the surface and as i emerge more whole and genuine than before, i know to be true to myself, there will be some shame felt when i look at how i humiliated myself to get what i thought i needed: approval and love.
this morning as i move towards getting out and about, i am all about being okay with who i am and most certainly with who i am not. i could be like my friend who is spinning down the tubes of victimhood, using just enough to fall asleep and living in the shame of feeling his failure at doing this life gig, outside the walls of jail. i can say that he did not get a wad of cash from the stash i am holding for him, yesterday. i can also say he will not be getting any until Thursday, as i am getting out of town, long before sundown today, to climb another 14'er: Mount Missouri. after my less than stellar performances at work over the past few days, i know that this is just the break i need to let go of all the work stuff, all the powerlessness i feel about my friend and my annual obsession with fantasy football. just for today, i can let go of being who i am not and show the world, the person i am becoming.

∞ DT ∞