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there are certainly times in my life, when i **feel** that i am making a difference. most of the time, however, i really wonder what it is i am contributing to the world around me.
when i got clean, this was never a question i asked myself, as i had stopped caring and had grown to accept that i would be high until the day i died, all i had to do was guarantee that i would have the ways and means. my net contribution to my family and society was way in the red, as i learned how to work the system and manipulate those in my life to give me what i needed. i have heard my peers share about not being able to sleep, because of their daily, dirty deeds. not me, i had numbed my conscience to the point that i did not even need to rationalize most of what i did. when, on that odd occasion, my conscience did kick in and prevent me from crashing, well there was a cure for that malady as well, all i had to do is take something.
in early recovery i “hid” in the fellowship and threw myself into service work, with a whole boatload of very mixed motives. although i contributed my time, my ideas and my passion, there were certainly strings attached to my efforts and what i most desired was validation from my friend and peers, that this demonstrated i was a “good” person. as i grew in my recovery, i saw more and more that while my contribution certainly had value, it was keeping me sick and i needed to step away and make an identity based on who i am, rather than who i want others to see me as. learning to be okay and reduce my DESIRE for others to tell me what i want to hear, has been a long journey and i have no clue what the final destination may be, all i know is that i am on my way there. which brings me to right here and right now.
as i sat this morning, what i “heard” was that it might be time to let of of the part of my identity that i long ago accepted, that i am a stoner and a junkie, which is far different than being an addict. it is not as if i am asking myself to let go of twenty-five years of active addiction, or to somehow sweep everything i once was under the carpet, nope, my goal back then was to get high every single day, at any cost. yes, when i got clean i was a stoner who had not toked up in six months and a junkie who had not shot-up in over a year. as long as i kept those parts of me separated, i was good to go. in early recovery, diving into service allowed me to suppress those lingering pieces of the using. the fact of the matter is, i have not participated in either of those activities for over twenty years and perhaps it is time to allow those parts to be absorbed into the whole person i am becoming, as who i once was and who i could certainly once again become. perhaps it is time to realize that i do make a contribution as a result of the message i carry in the quieter more subtle way i do service work today. perhaps, it is time, to let go of my DESIRE to have my life validated by others and seek that validation from within, after all, most nights my TENTH STEP is eerily quiet. maybe crickets really does mean that i am on the right track. just for today? well just for today i think i will allow myself to see where i contribute and be okay that i am doing the best i can with what i got.

∞ DT ∞