Blog entry for:

to serve my family, my peers, my friend and yes my fellowship, in my own unique manner? always an interesting question to ponder. this morning, locked in my home, as it were, waiting fro the FedEx person to bring what i need to start my new job tomorrow, i am feeling a bit put out. i wanted to go for a hike and even though i had the opportunity to place my responsibility to accept and sign for the package, i CHOSE not to. that does not mean that i am all over losing the opportunity to climb a peak, but i do have a sense of “owning” what is mine and having the time to pursue my crash course in REACT JS.
moving beyond my petty frustrations and into a bit of recovery, what struck me as i read the entry this morning, was once again the word “unique.” a year ago i wrote about how that seemed to fly in the face of all that i have been taught, since coming to the rooms. today, it was not quite so bothersome, as i have a better understanding about who i am, and what i have been through to get to this point in my life. not one single soul can say they have walked in my shoes, for even a minute. it may be true that i am just a “garden variety” addict in recovery and share a shit-ton of experience, feelings and less than stellar behaviors with my peers, the fact is, i am not them. as a result of my unique journey, i do have something a bit different to offer with those with whom i share this recovery journey. it is not “ego” nor arrogance when i cop to that fact and i am so glad my sponse does not beat me up with having to bust down my ego, as i have heard some of my peers share about. when i hear them sharing that stuff, i wonder if they will ever get through a STEP FIVE or are they doomed to work STEPS ONE-TWO-THREE, rinse and repeat. that , however is not my stuff and just for today, i can be grateful for that fact.
what i hope i bring to the table, even though it may be very dark, most of the time, is a different perspective on how to live a program of recovery. i am not a spiritual giant, nor am i a recovery guru. i do not share for the “newcomer” but every now and again a newcomer asks me to be their sponsor, and i say yes. as i put everything back into place after the shock of what i believed for so long, has finally subsided, i can see nothing fits as it used to. those parts and piece that i was believed comprised my “whole” self, just do not go together anymore and it is time to move forward in my step work. to get a clue or three about how they do fit. perhaps, there are even elements of that past person that can be pitched into the bit bucket as well. more will certainly be revealed and hopefully in the next few days i will start to move on from FIFTH STEP limbo, although it has been very comfortable sitting here. time to get ready to workout and pound some miles.

∞ DT ∞