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when i am willing to serve, i find that particular way to contribute that is right for me.
this is an interesting topic for me to be writing on this morning, as how i serve my household and myself, is about to undergo a radical shift. i start my full-time gig this morning, and as a result there is more than a little trepidation going on. instead of pounding that thought into the ground, what i will do instead is to let go of my FEAR and walk with a bit of HOPE, that this gig, is a gift and that i not only deserve it, i can succeed at it. the POWER that fuels my recovery, has yet to give me more than i can handle, so the FAITH i place in that POWER, right here and right now needs to include my full-time gig as well.
i meant to be up an hour earlier than i was, and more than likely i did wake up, toss and turn for a few minutes and went back to sleeping. oh well, i knew that my morning routine would need some adjustment. working out may have to move to a different time of day, which as the days get colder, may not be a bad thing.
so i have neatly avoided saying much about service, up until this point. today, i am just popping ideas off the stack, and those two needed to be looked at first, as superficial as they were, they were on the top. since i through around terms like popped off the stack and bit bucket, i really should explain what that means. a stack is a data structure that is like a pez dispenser. only the top piece of candy can be accessed and only one piece at a time. in order to get the candy in the middle, the top pieces need to be popped off.
anyhow, enough distractions. what i do for service and how i let that define me has undergone a serious revision across the course of the last 18 months. where i once believed that my role was to be a part of the committee service structure, i am finding fulfillment in carrying my message to those who are incarcerated. to say that i was more than a littler resistant to this service, is quite the understatement. had it not been for my co-dependency and the whining of another addict, this would have never been a direction i took. it is more than ironic that the POWER that fuels my recovery, used one of my shortcomings to get me pointed in an entirely new direction that was not my first choice. yes, there has been more than one disappointment and more than enough times i wondered if i am doing any good. even last night as i waited for my turn on the panel, i doubted i had anything to give to those men. however, when i let go and opened my mouth, the most amazing thing happened, i shared what was on my heart, not what was in my head, and i saw a twinkle of recognition from a few of the men in the room. they ‘got’ who i was, who i am today, and perhaps the message of HOPE that they too, need not be limited by their addiction. i am finally beginning to see, that my direction, is not being determined solely by me, that direction is a result of the partnership i have developed with the POWER that fuels my recovery, and that partnership often requires that i said aside what i think i want and let my needs be fulfilled, especially when it comes to my direction in service.
i am grateful this morning that i have a message to carry. i certainly hope that the sponsee that has been incommunicado for the past 36 hours is okay and still clean. i have cleaned up my desk to the best of my ability over the weekend and yes there is still more to do, HOWEVER, that will have to wait to later today. right here and right now, i need to jump into the shower and get ready to roll down to Broomfield to start this new phase in my professional life. it is a great day to be clean and i will do my best to carry the tools of recovery with me today.

∞ DT ∞