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when read this, my mind went to an old Saturday Night Live character portrayed by Dana Carvey, specifically the Church Lady. considering the decades i spent trying to be something special, this really rings true today, when i know, that just as i am, i am special and have something to contribute. enough of being silly this morning, what came up was some unsavory bits of bad behavior over the past few days, braggadocio and know-it-allism.
as i drove through to work, i could see that i am starting to believe my hype, that after over twenty-four years clean, i may actually deserve to be a little conceited and entitled. i can see that i am committing a grave and possibly deadly error in judgement here and i certainly need to return to the humble light of just for today i am clean. the facts are quite simply that life without using has become full of activity, joy and gift galore. my “forgetter” is working over time on what i HAD to do to get here. 😜 i know that i suffered for a long time, even before my first get high. i never got to really enjoy being a kid, because i believed something that was not. today, even though i am technically a senior citizen, i feel as if i am still thirty-something and cannot understand who that old man that stares back at me when i am shaving, really is. i am more fit of mind, body and spirit than i have ever been and regret the years that i lost to using and to living a lie. chances are that, when all is said and done in a few weeks, i will be able to find that place of serene humility once again. all i have to do, is let go of who the fVck i think i am and be exactly who i have come to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞