Blog entry for:

when i decide each day that i want to live a life in recovery, then i choose to live and be free, just for today. freedom is a very **loaded** term, and one that i hear thrown around quite haphazardly, in and out of the rooms of recovery. it is one of those words that means so many different things to so many different people, that i could write a thousand page treatise on that term, and still not scratch the surface.
however, for me, in this particular context freedom has a very narrow meaning and one that is easy for me to explain. for me, today the gift of freedom means that i no longer am sentenced to be a slave and a victim to my addiction. oh i can fall prey to that part of me, and i often do, to say anything different would be a lie, and part of the gift of freedom is that i am free to be honest about who and what i am. so putting the issue that has been weighing on my mind over the course of the past couple of days into that context, my FEAR is that the use of medically indicated pain medication will rob me of my FREEDOM! hence the battle to have everything i need available, so that when i am given that first dose in the hospital next Thursday morning, i am spiritually fit enough to walk away and leave that behind when i have healed. i am spiritually fit enough. to do whatever i need to do to ensure my freedom and that i am fit enough to be honest if i begin to struggle with the siren call of chemical romance and escape.
in that same theme, i went to a meeting last night and shared about my FEAR and the result was my share hijacked the meeting. it seems that everyone from the newest newcomer to those with more that a decade clean have an opinion on this issue. the selfish self-centered part of me loves being the center of attention, and while i could have gone down that path, what i decided to was listen, and i mean really listen to what was being said, even from those members who seem to have nothing to offer me. the poignant responses to my sharing, and the lack of advice within those responses, lightened my burden and reinforced the notion that yes i am in the right spot, that i have chosen well the path i follow, that i can stake my life on the members of this freak show, and that i will be able to count on their support when the comes that i need that kind word or that brutal rude awakening.
so as my FREEDOM springs from this freak show that has saved my life i guess i is one too! and since i is one, i am going to do whatever it takes to remain one of the freaks. today that means, meet my commitments in my career and meet my commitments to the fellowship that has given me the FREEDOM to write this particular piece on a mostly daily basis.
yes i am FREE today, yes i am grateful to be FREE today, so i will do what it takes to be able to be FREE again tomorrow. so off to the showers, and into the fray. i do have things to do and miles to go before i sleep.

∞ DT ∞