Blog entry for:

far deeper than just using, as a result my recovery is much more than simple abstinence.
so once upon a time in a land that feels far far away in a time that feels like a long,long time ago, i came to the rooms of recovery seeking a solution to my legal problems. my dilemma was simply this: they did not want me to use, and i did not want to stop. the escalating consequences of this battle were about to rain down on me, and i wanted instant relief, so the only port in my personal storm appeared to be a path of abstinence for long enough to solve my real problem, the 20th judicial district being on my back. that land was 8th and main here in my home town and that time was just 15 years ago. i did not know it then, but i was within the last two weeks of using, had i known it, i probably would have gone out in a blaze of glory instead of the whimper that was me, doing my best too use and get away with it. i did not even mind being on antabuse at the time, as even though i was attending meetings in the 12 step fellowship that dealt with alcohol, booze was always near the bottom of my preferred ways to alter my consciousness.
back in THAT day, it was all about not using for eighteen months, no matter how much i wanted to, BECAUSE i did not want to become a ward of the state. i had already been a ward of the county and they were getting ready to wash their hands of me and the the chaos that was my stay in the probation department.
ah those simple days of just staying clean no matter what. as hellish as they were, they are no comparison to what has transpired since. what i thought was safely locked in the vault of time, continues to haunt me today. and each time i did deeper through the process of the steps, i get that much closer to the truth of who i am. that man, really could not deal with what he locked into the vaults, and now that i have some time and recovery under my belt, looking at how this makes me tick decades later, is more than a bit interesting. as i face these issues in the here and now, it is no longer any wonder why i used. mind-numbing use of substances was the ONLY way that i could keep all of the garbage i have kept in those vaults locked away and in suspended animation, with just enough slime oozing out to make using all that more appealing. that leakage, kept me sick and in active addiction, so the program of active recovery means to me, that i MUST face all of that garbage and give what belongs to others to them and let go of the stuff that has kept me down for so long.
this morning, i am now looking forward to my SIXTH STEP as ugly as it may be, because i know that in my heart it is time to start to become entirely ready to let go of the garbage that is preventing me form being the person i have always wanted to be. which includes more fit and less fat, so with an empty head and a strong desire it is a quick trot around the neighborhood for me this morning. oh yeah, your stuff is your stuff and i am gratefully giving it back to you, as i no longer need to carry it!

∞ DT ∞