Blog entry for:

and you show me a sign, i will be willing; -- Lowell George
it is not often that i start off my blog with a some one else's words but when i was meditating this morning this song popped into my head, and if i think about it, it fits the reading. when i think about this refrain, i remember back to my active addiction, which seems to be happening more and more these days -- but i digress.
any how as I was saying before i interrupted myself, thinking back to my daze of active addiction always brings two diametrically opposed memories -- either bliss or horror. my brain seem to have blocked out the ordinary hum drum existence of day to day finding the ways to get high. i clearly remember the things i needed to do that were dangerous and life-threatening -- after all that is the stuff of a good war story. i also clearly remember the feeling i would get as i made the transition into being high -- after all that is the tool i use against myself to continue to glamorize my active addiction and keep that reservation in the back of my mind that maybe someday in the future i will be able to use successfully.
what i neglect to remember id the way i felt about myself -- a worthless, piece of shit liar and thief. i forget how i hated myself and debased and abused myself to get my fix so i could feel good for that moment of bliss.
today i may not always feel good and love myself but i do realize i have value both to myself and the world in general. i can seek joy from within and be a part of the lives of those who choose to allow me. the choice i make today to recover, echoes through my entire life, allowing me to be more than a mind-numbed zombie. i may not have enjoyed the way i got here, i may have been pissed about staying here and i may not work this program perfectly, but i am grateful that today i have the ability to choose another day of recovery and another day of LIFE.
∞ DT ∞