Blog entry for:

of myself, today anyhow consists of the revelation i had on my way to my weekly mountain workout. what i came to realize, is that trying to please someone and being considerate are not the same thing. in many of my relationships i have mistaken pleasing others as being considerate, and although ion the surface, they may very well appear to be the same, what goes on in my head is quite different. the difference? expectations! acting with consideration, for me anyhow, is similar to doing a “good deed,” i act in a considerate manner and do not expect anything in return. trying to please someone, however, i EXPECT some gratitude and get all pissy when i do not even get an acknowledgement of what i did, especially if i went out of my way trying. in the short run, i am not taking care of myself when i do something and do not get the reception i expected. not a very healthy manner in which to live and one that will require quite a shift in my internal focus over the next few weeks, as i attempt this paradigm change.
this is not really a new, as in all my relationships, in active addiction and in recovery, i have attempted to please more than one person and have always been disappointed with the results, classic insanity. taking care of myself means that i can still treat others with kindness, love and consideration but i need to remove the baggage i carry with me, about the whys and wherefores. i am certainly a tough nut to crack in that regard. the nice part of this shift, is no one needs to know that it is happening, as doing something to please someone looks very much the same as doing the next right thing out of consideration. it will be an interesting experiment.
once again, as i sat and listened to my peers share about a very “hot-button” topic, i was struck by how hard one of them is trying to blend into the so-called normal world, by declaring that addiction was a “mental health” issue. i guess, because the professionals say so, it must be. once upon a time, i wanted to jump into that same boat, but as i stay clean, that is not a burden i wish to carry, i am plan and simply an addict. i do not go around looking for “triggers” nor do i challenge myself to blend into polite society. the fact is, living clean, choosing to live my life in recovery, makes that happen, all by itself. there are very few people in my every day life who realize i am an addict, as i have all the trappings of the same sort of lives they live. HOWEVER, social acceptability was not my goal and is not anything to indicate the level of my commitment to living in this manner, it just is. off to do some work to make up for the day i am hiking next week, as i do like a full forty hour pay check.

∞ DT ∞