Blog entry for:

i courted death every time i used. my self-destructive behavior went far deeper than just using. for whatever reason, i was unable yo sleep this morning, so after almost two hours of 15 minute naps, i finally surrendered and got moving. i know that has very little to do with the topic at hand, or perhaps if i get a bit creative i can use it as an entry point into what i felt this morning after reading this entry. this is one of those readings, that i have found a bit over the top and melodramatic. although that is not what struck me this morning, even though i snatched the most dire part of the this entry as my topic seed. sometimes, a bit of hyperbole is a good contrast to help me be grateful for what i have today. there was a phase in my active addiction, one that lasted many years, when courting death in every single dose was how i used. courting death? hell i wanted to get as close as i could to going over the edge without slipping into the next phase of my existence, and i came dangerously close to slipping out of life more than once, only sheer willpower kept me alive. with that sort of behavior in my background, that going to extremes, it is hardly a wonder that across time i have built a passion for living a program of active recovery. with that passion comes the desire to give what i have been gi9ven, away to anyone who asks.
today, i like to think that i court life, as i go about my day. one thing that this set of steps has finally driven home, is that until i am aware and present for myself, i can hardly be aware of what is happening around me. the gift of life i get today is far more precious than the thirty seconds of the thrill ride of using the way i did. the ride may be a bit less steep and thrilling but it lasts a helluva a lot longer and at times in far more frightening than a single dose. so how am i going to move forward into this day? well grateful for the extra hour i have; excited that i have the time to do what i need to do to get my desk cleaned up for vacation next week; and happy that i have the desire to stay clean, no matter what this morning. so i will do my best to be present for what i need to be present for and take part in my life in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞