Blog entry for:

patterns of living was never any task i thought i would need to undertake. as self-destructive and dangerous the life i was living was, it never occurred to me that i would have to be the one to initiate change. quite honestly, if not for my aversion to prison time and the twentieth judicial district, i would never have accepted the fact that i “needed” to change my pattern of living. as i sit here, approaching the anniversary of my clean date, i look back, once again,. to the insanity of the last few days of using and thrill i got as i believed i was getting away with using every now and gain, despite having my bodily fluids being monitored by the courts. i believed i had it all figured out and that i had become bulletproof and when my body failed me and betrayed me, i was distraught. once upon that midnight dreary, as i pondered weak and weary, came a rapping a powerful tapping upon the the judge's bench as quoth the jurist, NEVERMORE!
Edgar Allen Poe aside, the life i lead today, was never one i thought i could ever have. i had settled for less and looking back at it, that decision made sense, after all the lie i believed told me i was broken and needed to hide in plain sight, making sure no one ever got a clue about how broken i was. today, i may have a few things left to change, but i am willing to allow the recovery process to do so. what is desperately needed by this addict is a bit of direction from his sponse. i know what i need to do. i know what i want to do. doing a bit of reading before getting a writing assignment, will allow me to be okay and move on. just for today, i accept that i am where i am. i accept that as an addict i will always have “destructive tendencies.” BUT, as an addict in recovery, i have the ways and means to overcome those influences and live a life FREED from active addiction.
a year ago, i wrote about my peers, who seem to get stuck in the lobby, no matter how much recovery work they do. i certainly was one of those sad folks, before i accepted that i was an addict and i found the desire to do something about it. if i take a critical look at my journey over the past year, i can see i was stuck inva belief structure i denied even existed and was suffering as much as those i took pity on a year ago. today, have developed empathy for them and will do anything i can do to lift them from that sad state of affairs. i know however that i can offer, it is up to them to accept. with that in mind, it is time to take my daily tour de East Longmont and burn off a calorie or three.

∞ DT ∞