Blog entry for:

i choose recovery. each time i choose recovery, i am that much further along the path, of becoming the man i have always wanted to become.
so yes, we have a new dawg in the house. she is not quite sure what to do yet, and is very poorly socialized. we understood that a rescue dog would present challenges, but this morning she actually asked to be let outside, so perhaps house training will not be one of those. as i look at how she is behaving in her first exposure to living with a pack of humans, i am reminded how animal-like i was when i came to the fellowship, and even after i started my recovery journey. i still separate those events, because unlike some of those who i have heard share in recent days, there is a difference between being clean and being in recovery. there is also a difference in the programs that are based on the the 12 STEPS, to say there is not, means that you are just not paying any attention. that is however, neither here nor there, i do have a sponsor, i do go to meetings and i do have a relationship with a HIGHER POWER, so chances are very good i will stay clean today and i might actually get a bit of recovery.
so i got to the fellowship, and like Daisy, our newest family member i was not very sure about what i had been thrust into. i knew that it was unlike any experience i had ever had before, i also knew that i could be a dilettante for as long as i wanted, because there were plenty of corners to hide in. those seven months of being between active addiction and abstinence and recovery, were mostly about me learning the social customs and the language of recovery, and figuring out how to look good and sound good, without doing anything that smacked of recovery work. also like Daisy, i often retreated to my cave, where i knew the four walls, and just watched trying to figure out, what this new life was going to do with me. i finally came out of the kennel of my mind, and started my journey on the road to recovery, but only after one last beating by the justice system and 12 weekends of “consequences.”
today, although hard to remember my exact state of mind, back in those days, i do remember that life was not good, i had a very low opinion of myself, especially when i had to degrade myself even more and admit that i was an addict, not just say the words. today, there is absolutely no humiliation in admitting i am an addict, nor is there anything wrong saying that i NEED the help and guidance of a sponsor. today, i am very comfortably ensconced in the pack that is the fellowship that has given me a new way of living and would not have it any other way. today i can welcome a socially awkward puppy into my home and allow her the freedom, to discover who i am, and what her new life is going to look like. yes there is some hard work ahead for all of us, but at least i am willing today, to own my part of it, recovery and puppy socialization. which does remind me, it is time to head on out to work and take care of the bills, after all, they do not pay me for waxing philosophically at the keyboard on a daily basis.

∞ DT ∞