Blog entry for:

good morning one and all, yes today, i woke up and made the decision to live free, for the umpteenth time in a row. when i decide, and i do decide, that today i want to be free from active addiction, i ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep me clean, as i am certain that staying clean is part of that POWER's will for me. the rub with this reading is: even though i decide not to use, just for today, does not mean all my self-destructive behaviors and attitudes were somehow magically lifted from me, and i live each and every day, farting daisies and crapping rainbows. no, for the most part, that is not me, and hopefully that will never be me either. the rainbows and daisies part, not the freedom from self-destruction part. i certainly would love to be free from that self-destructive, nihilistic side of me, i have asked humbly to have those shortcomings removed, and i am doing my best to patiently wait for that process to be completed. it is as it is, and today i am okay with allowing the process to happen.
i have heard it time and again, mostly from the parade of those who have been around the rooms for decades and yet have no clean time today: recovery was not and will not pay-off for them. automobile accidents, legal problems, inability to show up for anything, not having enough money to support your children and mounting legal bills, is sometimes not enough evidence for them to see, that other way is not paying-off either. for me, looking for a reward in all that i do, is not necessarily a bad exercise, as i was finding recovery a bit dull and unrewarding over the past few weeks. being clean, living a program of recovery, is keeping me out of my parent's basement and allowing me to grow up at the same time. it does not, however prevent me from being a spendthrift, a gossip or judgmental, which are certainly human attributes i would dearly love to have removed. i have, already touched on the removal part, so need need to backtrack here.
the only HOPE a person like me actually has, is through living a program of recovery. sometimes that means that i have to chose to walk away from a situation that is not healthy for me. in fact, sometimes it means i have to scrape off the spiritual leech that i allow to drain me of what little self-respect i may have left. some times it means that i have to allow others to tell me what they see and accept that maybe, just maybe, their suggestions may be the solution to the problem i am too blinded by denial to see. some times it means i have to make choices that feel on par with Sophie's choice, spiritually and emotionally, because only then, will i be able to get through whatever it is i need to face. sure i can always shrink and run, bury myself in the warm sh!t of denial and self-destructive behaviors, but in reality that does very little to advance my cause. so today, i choose recovery, and as this day goes on, hopefully i will choose behaviors and actions that foster my recovery, as i have come to believe is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery for me. it is however, time to make the doughnuts, so until next time, TTFN.

∞ DT ∞