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was sold cheaply with every day and every dose. i might have told you that i wanted to live, but in reality all i wanted to do was get high. i am quite sure, that had the internet and designer drugs had been available when i was getting clean, i would have been all over synthetic this or that, so i could remain high and still pass the bodily fluids and hair follicle test that were required for me to be in compliance. yes, that was who i was. getting high, even at the risk of ending my life, was a gamble i was not only willing to take, but one i cherished, as it added that little bit extra risk to the whole experience. there may be no drug kingpins, gun fights or armed robberies, in the history of my life as an active addict, but that does mean my life was in any less of a risk on practically a daily basis. when i look back on it, getting high and climbing the 2ND Flatiron in Boulder, which seemed a great way to spend my birthday, was probably not that good of idea. we did not wimp out when we got stuck and call for help, instead we turned around and found our way off. oh yeah, in those days cell phones were few and far between, “so calling for help” would have been literally screaming our lungs out. my point being, is that the decision making process of me and my cohorts was skewed by the drugs we were taking and what a “normal” person may have considered risky, we saw as a challenge to be conquered, with or without the correct equipment or training. enough about the bad old days and into the here and now.
would i free climb the 2ND Flatiron today? not in the physical condition i currently am in. i am more realistic, especially after having Mt Bierstadt kick my ass, about what i can and cannot physically do. IF i want to get back into those activities i have to CHOOSE to make choices in my life, such as getting up out of my chair and get moving on a daily basis again. if i want to upgrade my website to the latest and greatest, than i NEED to choose to do so, spend the time learning the code and maybe finding a new home for it. most importantly if i want to stay clean today, i NEED to CHOOSE to live a program of recovery 100%. not 90-10, not to the “best of my ability,” just plain live a program and detail at the end of my day, how close to the ideal i came. surprisingly, i m not that much off the mark, most days. choosing to live a program of recovery, means choosing to value my life and foster my growth. choosing to work a half-assed program, one filled with “carve outs” and “Plan Bs,” will lead to this addict choosing to find those designer analogues, so i can look as good as i am feeling!
which brings back to a point that has been rolling around the rock tumbler of my soul, for the last six days, namely can i let go of what i know and base what i feel and what i see, especially when it comes to those in local fellowship. what has come to me, after leaving it alone, is that sooner or later, they will step up and do the right thing. in the mean time, allow them to be who they are, minimize my risk by not relying on them to be there and offer what i have to give to them freely and without conditions. in other words sis pend judgement and disbelief and let their works show me who they are today. give them the break they deserve, BECAUSE when i was in their shoes, someone gave me that exact same chance and look where it has led to today.
so 20,000 step journey of today, starts with me signing off and saying that just for today, i am grateful that i no longer NEED to find the means to alter how i feel.

∞ DT ∞