Blog entry for:

that change, at least for me, comes only through living a program to the best of my ability. today, that is a very weird statement for me to say, as i am voluntarily putting myself under the care of a medical doctor, for a procedure that will leave me in a VERY altered state of consciousness. when one of my peers, who just happens to becoming one of friends, called last night, i had totally put out of mind that i did share about going in for a procedure today, at the meeting on Wednesday night. being honest about my apprehensions, and i always have a few when i go do this every three years, as well as what the voice of addiction is whispering to me, is part of that living the program to the best of my ability. after that i had put out of my mind, as suggested what would be happening this afternoon. well here we are, i am on a fast and in thirty-eight minutes i will not even be allowed to drink water. so my suffering begins, <places the back of his right hand and his forehead and sighs deeply.>
well not actually, after all, when i was using i cannot count the number if days i went on a liquids only diet or just plain did not eat.the worst part was that i did not think anything was bizarre about that sort of self-destructive behavior, it just was, and was that not the same thing everyone else did? anyhow, so i sit here this morning thinking back on those crazy days and remembering how self-destructive i really was, and the amazing part, how self-destructive i can still be. if active addiction is a smoldering death-wish, then it follows that active recovery is a blazing life-wish. i like that image, a blazing life-wish, that burns out those traits that my active addiction developed and used with such expert precision.
so yes, i am going to be placed in a state i do not look forward to, this afternoon, yes, it is true, that my body is unable to tell the difference from that state and the state of getting high. so it is up to me, and the program of recovery i carry with me, to combat any lingering after-effects. i have already prayed to not enjoy the experience, and i will do so once again, just before i lose any memory and control of the situation. i have FAITH, that armed with the tools i have, this too shall pass and i will once again walk the path of recovery tomorrow morning when i choose to do so, one day at a time. so it is off to the shower and then to the keyboard to see how much i can accomplish before i am stripped of my rhyme and reason.

∞ DT ∞