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than my uncontrollable use of drugs. i have to admit it, i pity my peers who get stuck in the lobby of recovery, those who work the steps time and again and never come to a place where they see that recovery, just like addiction, is about far more than the substances that ruled their lives. it could be that i made fortuitous choices when it came to the men that have sponsored me, as those men, from the very start, prodded me to look beyond “what and how much i used” and to look at what i was using to fill the void within. those men never asked to to define why i used, as that was evident in STEP ONE and they seemed to think that certainly would not lead to long term recovery. those men kept telling me that addiction was a physical, emotional and spiritual disease and as a result, needed to be treated in all those aspects as well. for me, that has been the path that keeps me coming back and has led me from FEAR through HOPE to FAITH.
i sit here today, lamenting the fact that i may have to take more than one day off from my physical fitness program, due to an overuse injury. i have been exercising “through the pain” and even bought a brace, so i could continue to do so. what i CHOOSE to do instead, is to wear the brace and be a bit kinder to myself and my aching ankle. the place i go, however, is a place of self-deprecation that starts with “why did i wait so long to take a break?” DUH, look at STEP ONE ↝ i am an addict and powerless over addiction. intense physical exercise for an hour or more every day, felt “good” and certainly brought the sort of results that boost my self-esteem as the man in the mirror loses his “spare tire.” with that kind of feedback, addiction kicked in and <BOOM> here i am, laid up for at least one day. so i can partake in the extreme hiking adventure i have planned for next week. one fact about me, in case it is not evident, is that looking good can tale precedence over feeling good and dealing with a “little” is a price i have to pay to look good. so after months upon months of doing this workout gig, day after day, i am pausing and allowing this sixty-something body to heal, just a little bit.
today, i choose to look deeper into my life to see what damage active addiction and the events leading up to the first time i used that is still manifest in my life today. the facts here are simple, i am an addict and when i start to think of myself as anything else, i start to circle the drain, back into active addiction. i NEED to be more than just another addict in recover, i need to be the best version of myself, that i can be today, and moving beyond the most obvious symptom of addiction allows me to do so. it is a good day to treat my whole self and allow recovery to seep into all those nooks and crannies that i have attempted to keep it out of, just for today.

∞ DT ∞