Blog entry for:

well my first work week is done, i did not die and i actually feel good about what it was that happened over the course of the week. of course, that does not mean my life is less full of activity today, and as a result, this will probably not be one of my longer entries either. who knows, perhaps as i get rolling down the path of choosing life, my muse will strike and i will lose track of time and space as i pound away at the keyboard.
if ii was asked back in the day, if i was really choosing life, i would have said of course, after all, i am still here. my very existence was proof of that choice. although my horizons at that time were obscured by the heavy pall of active addiction, that answer in and of itself was true and i was being as honest as i could be.
early recovery, the answer would have been yes, because i am choosing to stay clean and work a program, no matter how grudgingly and halting it was. that statement was also true in that context.
today, i look back and i look ahead and i see that choosing to live is more than just living a program. throughout my life, i was socially isolated, and did what i could to maintain that status,. after all, if i let no one in, i could not get hurt. nor would i be subject to all the additional effort and expectations that being socially connected placed upon someone. i could live my life in the quiet of my home and not be anything more to anyone else. a process that seems to have started by my last set of steps and is accelerating in this set as well, is that i am coming out of that cocoon of isolation and emerging into world, not quite sure of who or what i am, nor what my place is. all the social skills i should have learned are now being taught to me as this adolescent in a middle-aged body and those lessons are not easy to take after having so much and so little experience with life itself.
so yes i am choosing to live and yes i have to get on down the road as i have some social as well as professional commitments to uphold this morning. it is a great day to be a part of this world and perhaps, although it is not likely i will be back to write later.

∞ DT ∞