Blog entry for:

today, i am not merely a clean addict, but a person with a sense of direction, a purpose, and a Power greater than myself. quite the hole of entries for the beginning of September across the years. well, it just frees me from the constraints about having to repeat what i have written in the past.
anyhow, the thought that came to my mind as i read this particular passage is without a doubt all about change, and all of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head about why i am judging some of my fellow members so harshly. it is not that they are incapable of change, nor is it that they are unwilling to change, it is that they seem to believe that they lack the need to change, that they are fine just the way they are, thank you very much. so what i am angry at, is the manifestation of active addiction in the lives of members with clean time, some of them possess what i would call significant clean time. the manifestation is the denial system that they have created to protect the part of them that is the addict from the change manifest in living a program of recovery. so what i have been mistaking as disrespect is a deep sense of sadness and despair. no not them disrespecting me, me disrespecting them. i am still not very good at identifying my feelings and anything i perceive as a ‘negative’ feeling has to be anger. now that i can see what is going on inside of me, i can embrace that feeling and let it go, by allowing it to run its course. perhaps then i will be better fit to be in the company of addicts, who choose to live a life devoid of positive change.
how does any of this fit into the topic of looking at who i have been, and who i have become? well, for one, i can look at myself through the mirror of of the members and the people with whom i share my life. i can see what i like, and see what i do not. what i like in them, i can try and do what they do, and what i do not like, i can avoid doing what they do. and in the long run, i will become the man i was always meant to be, BUT only id i do what i have been taught to do -- namely foster the process of change by living a program of recovery. having and using a sponsor, working the steps, maintaining a connection to a HIGHER POWER and surrendering to the process of change inherent in that manner of living. i am satisfies with the direction my life is taking, so just for today i will allow it to continue morphing into what it will be.

∞ DT ∞