Blog entry for:

moving from a lack of direction to one that comes from without has always been a problem for me. i am by nature rebellious and do not accept direction well, even if it is good for me. i find that i need to question, examine and resist until the very end. i almost always end up following that direction in the end but the process i go through cuases me much uneeded pain and suffering, but that has been the way it always has been. at least today i have some direction in my life and it does come from outside myself. the source of that direction is probably my HIGHER POWER regardless of the messenger, be it my sponsor, another addict or even (GASP) a normie. i have a habit of discounting the message because it does not seem to come wrapped in divine presence with all the spiritual trappings i once believed i needed to have. you know SIGNS!
the reading touches on a problem i have been having lately, that even though i have accumulated some days abstinent of mind-altering substances, i have yet to accumulate any recovery or direction. in a nutshell i am still the same person i was when i walked in here, all of this is merely window dressing without any long-lasting effect.
most of this attitude is my disease whispering to me that it is okay to use, that somehow i am not really an addict and i do not belong here.
the true part is that if i start to believe the whispers and choose to act on them i will return to that person i once was.
so after writing this and a moment of contemplation i believe that just for today i will not only seek direction from GOD, but will actually do my best to apply what i find.
-- DT --