Blog entry for:

i have done more than shed some bad habits; i am becoming a new person, guided by a HIGHER POWER.
that is more than evident to me, and perhaps to those around me. no, not that i am being guided by a HIGHER POWER, that i am becoming a new person. on that note i can go down the tangent i considered as i was listening this morning.
the party line, and one that i ascribe to today, is that living a program of recovery means much more than not using. it means for me, working steps, going to meetings, practicing principles and giving away what i have been so freely given. it means deepening a spiritual connection with the world that i can sense and that which is beyond my ability to sense. it means staying in a state of learning rather than a state of knowing. most importantly it means getting out of the way and letting the process work it's magic on me. it is frustrating to me, to see those i care about deeply missing out because they choose to think that somehow all of this stuff, does not apply to them, that they are different and as a result do not have to do what all the rest of us have done. i am discovering more and more that those who have 2 or more decades clean, are without sponsorship and without an active step work in their lives. they rely on the belief that somehow steps 10 - 12 will suffice and that confidants rather than sponsorship is all they need to live a program of recovery. with that background it is no wonder that the newcomer who once has 24 years clean, until he “tasted the sweet taste of alcohol on the lips of his lover” cannot get 30 days clean today.
i see that as a lesson to myself, that no matter how ‘well’ i think i may be, i can always be better, healthier and more spiritually fit. so where am i going? a very good question. i think what i am seeing in myself is the desire to emulate those who are in the greatest danger of slipping back into active addiction. truthfully, this whole life change gig, is a helluva a lot of work and to move into the confidante and 10 through 12 model of recovery, would certainly be less work. tempting as that is, i have seen what it does to recovering addicts, and quite honestly i have absolutely no desire to become like them. i choose to emulate those i see actively working a program, and not just saying they do. how can i tell? in service, they are truly selfless and without agendas. in relationships, they earn trust and respect and do not demand and command it. when they offer help it is as an equal and not some sort of super-addict. and when they want something, they simply ask for it, instead of gaming and manipulating or even worse flattering to get what they want. that is the sort of man i am striving to become, and that sort of man is precisely what i believe is what i was always intended to be.
so time to hit the streets and take off a bit more of the man i do not want to become and see where i can grow as this day goes on.

∞ DT ∞