ยฟ who have i become ?
Posted: Fri, Sep 2, 2016 09:09:44 AM
an interesting question. a year ago, at this point in my recovery i would have said that i was not really sure, spiritual identity crises seem to do that to me. now that all of that spiritual dust has settled and i am good about where i find myself, i can actually look to what i have become, across the course of my recovery, this step cycle and even in the past 366 just for todays. before i get rolling down that path a quick shout-out:
starting at the very beginning, i was just another using addict. using deprived me of empathy or consideration for anyone else. i was a shell of a person, who lived entirely for myself and fVck you if you got between me and my desires. walking into the rooms on my plan to make this a temporary stop over in my using career, very little changed for quite some time, i was just learned how to hide it better, after all, when my “using vacation” came to an end, i would still need to be that hard shell of a person. the steps i worked in that first year were just enough to keep me abstinent and make life as a clean addict less heinous. it truly sucked to be me, in those days and i did the bare minimum to improve my lot in life, at least as far as in my recovery life.😣
after a few days, a commute to a single fellowship and a redefining of what i was, things changed and when i arrived at the start of this step cycle, i was firmly ensconced in this fellowship, aware of who i was and far more responsive to the needs, wants and desires of those with whom i share my life. there were still places that i kept in the dark and no one, save my current sponsor knew everything, and i was quite certain that was where i was going to remain. the spiritual structure i had erected was chafing and binding and all the hoops i had to jump through to relate on that level with my peers, was tiring and felt futile. i felt quite certain that i had gone as far as i could go and would have to accept i was too broken to move past my social retardation and find my place in the world and the fellowship in general. service junkie would be my role and i was resigned to that as a fact of my life. 😕
a year ago, as i was ending my last annual cycle, i finally had the remnants of my spiritual belief structure hauled off and the belief system i had put in its place, was finally getting plugged into that of my peers. the kludgey hoops i jumped through were no more, as i came to see myself as more of a peer instead of anything else. socially? well socially i am far more connected than ever before and when i look at what is happening all around me, i see that my peers trust me and <GASP> respect me for who i am. i have learned toi feel my way to decisions and redirect my reactions. in general, i am certainly spiritually more healthy and have found a place to be, a home as it were, that nourishes and protects me from the storms of life. i am okay, not being a GOD kind of person or having every newcomer come up and ask me to sponsor them. i am okay knowing that there are those who love me, those who like me, those who tolerate me and those who would rather i not bother coming around. today i am comfortable in my skin, as i have finally grown into the new one that i created across the course of this step cycle. today i am okay, and in my mind, you guys are as well. 😎
so i will wrap this up and head on out to do nothing at all, all day long, it is after all a great day to be clean and have the day off.
Scott K,
THREE (3) years clean.
Truly a miracle.
Thank you for trusting me to be your sponsor.
starting at the very beginning, i was just another using addict. using deprived me of empathy or consideration for anyone else. i was a shell of a person, who lived entirely for myself and fVck you if you got between me and my desires. walking into the rooms on my plan to make this a temporary stop over in my using career, very little changed for quite some time, i was just learned how to hide it better, after all, when my “using vacation” came to an end, i would still need to be that hard shell of a person. the steps i worked in that first year were just enough to keep me abstinent and make life as a clean addict less heinous. it truly sucked to be me, in those days and i did the bare minimum to improve my lot in life, at least as far as in my recovery life.😣
after a few days, a commute to a single fellowship and a redefining of what i was, things changed and when i arrived at the start of this step cycle, i was firmly ensconced in this fellowship, aware of who i was and far more responsive to the needs, wants and desires of those with whom i share my life. there were still places that i kept in the dark and no one, save my current sponsor knew everything, and i was quite certain that was where i was going to remain. the spiritual structure i had erected was chafing and binding and all the hoops i had to jump through to relate on that level with my peers, was tiring and felt futile. i felt quite certain that i had gone as far as i could go and would have to accept i was too broken to move past my social retardation and find my place in the world and the fellowship in general. service junkie would be my role and i was resigned to that as a fact of my life. 😕
a year ago, as i was ending my last annual cycle, i finally had the remnants of my spiritual belief structure hauled off and the belief system i had put in its place, was finally getting plugged into that of my peers. the kludgey hoops i jumped through were no more, as i came to see myself as more of a peer instead of anything else. socially? well socially i am far more connected than ever before and when i look at what is happening all around me, i see that my peers trust me and <GASP> respect me for who i am. i have learned toi feel my way to decisions and redirect my reactions. in general, i am certainly spiritually more healthy and have found a place to be, a home as it were, that nourishes and protects me from the storms of life. i am okay, not being a GOD kind of person or having every newcomer come up and ask me to sponsor them. i am okay knowing that there are those who love me, those who like me, those who tolerate me and those who would rather i not bother coming around. today i am comfortable in my skin, as i have finally grown into the new one that i created across the course of this step cycle. today i am okay, and in my mind, you guys are as well. 😎
so i will wrap this up and head on out to do nothing at all, all day long, it is after all a great day to be clean and have the day off.
∞ DT ∞