Blog entry for:

of the iceberg. i have always been a master of keeping stuff below the waterline. when i was in active addiction, i did a fairly good job living separate lives to do just that. five-sixths of what i really was was hidden fro the rest of the world and i was quite content to keep it that way. living life on the down-low plan, kept anyone from seeing who i was and allowed me to be whatever or whoever i needed to be. today it is not as if i want to live life hidden from the rest of the world, it just happens that most of the changes that have been manifest in me, are not readily apparent to the rest o0f the world. i have a life that “looks normal” with all the trappings of the lives the other 85% live. the fact that i am an addict, is no longer something i have to choose to hide, but is buried under the expectation of what society thinks i need to be. before i get too far down a path:

Scott K,
SIX (6) years clean.
Congrats my friend and thanks for making me a better person.

i have been a busy boy, doing both “normal” stuff, such as mowing my lawn and working out, as well as doing recovery stuff this morning. in time many days ago, holidays sucked for me, because i never seemed to have enough stuff to keep me satisfied when my connection went out of town. no matter how hard i prepared, it was never enough and Labor Day was the worse, because it seemed like everyone was gone, when i needed them the most. today, while that may not be the case, i still face this holiday with a bit of trepidation, as now Summer is coming to an end, the sun is sinking lower and lower into the Southern sky and the mornings are getting cooler and crisper. even though all of that is true today, it also means that my clean date is right around the corner and that maybe i missed doing something that i needed to do in this trip around the sun.
when i take a realistic look at the whole picture of who i am, i can see that although i am no longer in active addiction, many of the behaviors and the dodges i polished into a pat routine in active addiction, are still present. i could wail and gnash my teeth about that fact of life, as i have often done in the past OR i can accept that on this journey i am never sure what will change and when it will do so. it is true that i am a cynic to the core, but it is also true that i have HOPE that i can make better choices today and FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me what i need. it is only because of the program that i GET to be okay, just for today, with nothing left to do while lazing in my climate controlled house. i could live in constant fear of relapse or i can accept that just for today, i will get whatever i need to stay clean. i think i will allow myself to be grateful for that as well.

∞ DT ∞