Blog entry for:

most of the time felt like i had no purpose, no reason for living. take three! yes, i was got distracted about cleaning the mess my workspace at home had become, and boom, one wrong mouse action, and i am starting from scratch yet again. hmm, might be a metaphor in there.
irony first!
when i was using, i had delusions of all the power i had, when i was actually a slave to addiction and everything that i thought made me look powerful, or feel powerful, was smoke and mirrors to prop up my sagging self-image. the irony here is, that only through my admission that i am powerless over addiction, to i actually achieve any semblance of power. that power comes form the POWER that fuels my recovery and that reservoir is infinite, so all i have to do, is make the admission and open myself up to receive the power i need to make it through today.
my life was a mess when i got here and like my personal workspace, it was well lived in and since the mess grew incrementally day by day, i was mostly oblivious as to how hot the water i voluntarily put myself in, had become. i was simmering away to a nice stew of chemical bliss, and had reached the capacity to not really care, where it all ended up for me. in =fact, although far too cowardly to take my own life, there were times, more often than i care to admit, that i really wanted fate to step and end my suffering. my life had reached such a state, that i was certain that i was beyond hope, and the worst part about it, i was a victim, because if they just paid me to do nothing all day long, except to sit around and get high, everything would have been just fine!
addict ADHD strikes again, i just went off and registered for the convention, enough already!
so i was powerless, thought i was something, anything but an addict and lived a life in near total disregard of any vestige of morality i had left inside of me. i was not too thrilled about what each day would bring, but knew that no matter what, i would get high again and everything, for those brief minutes would be more than just okay again.
so i am powerless today. WTF, had changed?! well knowing that i am powerless, acknowledging that i am powerless and asking for the power to stay clean today, is an entirely different state from the powerlessness of ACTIVE ADDICTION OR MERE ABSTINENCE. (a quick aside here, those caps were added by accident, but after looking at how this is going, i made a conscious decision to leave the emphasis on.)
by accepting that i have very little personal power, i am open to receive more power than i ever imagined, from the POWER that fuels my recovery. remarkably, those on the margins, who seem to struggle to stay clean, seem to speak of being powerless, but lapse into the same state i was a volunteer for, way back in the dawn of my actual recovery, before i decided to take an active part in that process. once i arrived at that particular jumping off point, all bets were off. those who doubted my recovery, were proven wrong and i felt a sort of smug satisfaction that i had finally arrived at a place they told me i would never reach. it is the power i received after owning what i was, and what i wanted to become, that i desire to give away today. ironically, that is the power, that those on margins, have no desire to receive, hence they struggle between the desire to use and the desire to stay clean, and i am helpless. i know that feeling so well, that twilight state where i can see the light, but the darkness looks ever so inviting, as it is familiar and has all the places i feel the need to hide in. life does go on, and it is now time for me to get out oft his space and out into my life today.
i am grateful for my recovery this morning and will do whatever i can do, to make it a state that maintains itself, a perpetual motion machine of sorts. unfortunately, just like in physics, there is a minimum amount of work i have to put into it, to keep the wheels turning,. a good thing is that today is a good day to do just that.

∞ DT ∞