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how would i have known that my life is unmanageable if i could not feel pain? of course the reading goes on about how necessary physical pain is for a human being to survive, and extends that example to emotional pain, i just decided to skip over the first part of the analogy and move right into the meat of the matter. why? because that is what i felt like doing this morning. so i have been promising to move forward in my step work for quite some time now, but of course, sometimes i have to wait for the pain to be great enough to do something about it. i guess that pain finally crossed that threshold yesterday, as i had my first of three unpleasant conversations last night, and i am starting to see why my sponsor moved the action i need to take from one form to another. honestly, my plan was just to once again spout off about how willing i was, and then stay home and vegetate in front of the television. so what happened? well a sponsee called and asked if i wanted to go to a meeting. i thought he was actually angling to get a ride, so the rat bastard that i am, i told him i would meet him there and give him a ride home. my intention was to guide him back on to the path of going to meetings under his own devices and perhaps getting him to return to active recovery. well i met him there, and he owned up to being in relapse for the past eight weeks or so, and he asked if i was still willing to sponsor him. so there was a bit of work that was outside the plan as i saw it yesterday. so in the course of ordinary events, that would have been more than enough. BUT at the meeting was one of the three unpleasant conversations i needed to have, so i can move forward in my step work. i had seen her more than once before, and although i could say i was willing, the truth was that i was not. the willingness circuit got tripped and i had the easiest of the three conversations and as a result i feel lighter this morning. so who knows what will be next on my agenda. i do know that i have to wrap this up, grab a shower and get moving -- life awaits me, and with it pain or the tools to releieve tha pain i feel, that choice is mine today!

∞ DT ∞