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i often wonder how i could arrange my life so i could not feel any pain. such a life would seem to be wonderful. then i remember that was how i lived in active addiction. i used everyday so i would not have to feel pain. i was willing to trade all my joy, my love and all the ‘positive’ emotions. no empathy, no concern for others, and most a general lack of feelings. my daily goal was to achieve a level state for each day.
the reading speaks to the need for physical pain to prevent serious physical injury. so i guess extending that same metaphor to my spiritual and emotional pain. when i am hurting emotionally there is action i need to take, just like removing my hand from a hot burner. the action i need to take is probably some suggestion from those who have gone before me.
truthfully these days the pain i feel emotionally and spiritually really is not as overwhelming as it as when i was new in recovery. i have the tools today to allow myself to feel pain and grow. and realize that growth can come without pain, if i choose to take the time to do what i need to on a daily basis, LIVE THE PROGRAM!
so do i still want to live without pain? yes! do i want to do the work necessary to achieve that goal? no not really! can i accept the consequences of that decision? yes today i am, if i choose to ignore the daily maintenance, i accept that i will feel whatever i need to feel. am i happy about those consequences? no but i understand that i am responsible for my recovery and accept what comes if i ignore the spiritual principles that i espouse to live by. hopefully, as i grow, i will change and be more accepting of the fact that daily maintenance is how to grow without pain.
:) DT :)