Blog entry for:

into each life some rain must fall.
for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.
oh yeah, when yin and yang are balanced so the whole is complete.
truth be told, i am not a huge fan of any of that, given my druthers, i would rather be joyful all the time. when i was using, i may not have been “joyful,” but at least i could defer the pain until after i came to or came down. life in the real world, had very little chance of affecting my emotional state, and if it did, i knew the “cure❢” waking up after twenty-five years of using, learning how to tolerate and accept emotional pain, has become a process that is far from complete, each day i get a bit better. i am, however, far from embracing my NEED to feel pain and no matter how “positive” i try to bend my thoughts to be, i still rail, whine and resist emotional pain at any level.
the law of positive attraction seems to dismiss this need, or at least in my reading of it. i believe that for this addict to survive, i need not fight what i may perceive as “negative,” and just live life on its own terms.that fact is, my perception is far from stellar, and what i may consider to be “bad,” may actually be freaking good for me.so what if my dawg done died, my pickup is broken down on the side of the road and no one likes me, all the positive attraction work is not going to fix any of that. using a little sumthin', sumthin' is not going to fix it either. even though a bit of wailing may help me feel a bit better the turth is, that it is my job, to allow myself to feel the pain of all those possibilities, let the emotions associated with disaster, run their course and pick myself up off the ground and take what measures i need to take to move forward into my life. whether or not any of that is part of some cosmic plan or perhaps a cosmic joke, does not really matter to me, i do not need to comfort myself by drowning in superstitious claptrap.
do not misread what i am saying there, tragedy and disaster are real and the emotions that arise out of them are just as real as well. telling someone from Puerto Rico how well the recovery effort is going, when the have no power, no home, no fresh water, and no appearance of any of those things appearing in the immediate future, is just plain cold and callous. no amount of wordsmithing or social media battles are going to change the facts of their shattered lives, and crowing about how “good” the effort is, does little to relieve their suffering. i do digress.and i do get back on topic, i feel those people, and i can not see a whole lot of good that may came out of their pain.
today, after a very short sleep-deprived weekend, the pain i feel, is certainly enough for me to step up my job search game. i am tired, grumpy and less that content today, and yet i am not willing to drag down all of those who surround me, at least not in the here and now. the reward i get for not doing so, is the ability to accept what is, let it go and yes pick myself off the couch and go hang with some friends. it is a good day to be clean and some time away from the house and the digital life i live, is worth every minute of frustration i felt over this weekend, at least , just for today.

∞ DT ∞