Blog entry for:

i could not appreciate joy without knowing pain. well maybe i could, but that is not what is going on in my life today. today i am at the end of a period of time where i have felt like doing nothing and hiding from the world around me. i have not been in any pain, nor have i caused much pain, BUT i have been on the verge of doing or saying something that will tip my world off its axis. so through the filter of the reading i need to look at what really has been going on over the past ten days or so. inside of me, the landscape has been anything but bleak, i am excited about the direction my life has taken and am gaining some confidence that this is going to last.
however what seems to be happening is that as i gain confidence. i am also regaining the ability to trust my self-will and that is a dangerous place for this addict to be in. self-will has never been something that has been good for me and in the theme of the reading today, the results of acting on self-will are always the same -- my pain , my suffering and as a result of my pain and suffering, the pain and suffering that i inflict on others.
so am i willing to allow myself to hurt myself today? maybe, after all the world according to don is still spinning the way i want it too, it is everyone else that is having some problems with the way that world is spinning. so my choice is to continue to live in selfish, self-centered self-will or allow the next phase of healing of my spirit to continue -- and i have yet to decide which of those two mutually-exclusive events i will allow to occur. pain is optional and joy is one of those gifts that is based on the relative nature of my internal emotional state -- it is up to me to decide and right now i am unwilling to let go and make that decision, but who knows perhaps the events in the next couple of hours will tip the balance one way or another -- i am after all, clean and feeling honest about who and what i am this morning.

∞ DT ∞