Blog entry for:

for comparison feels like a cop-out about why one needs to feel emotional or spiritual pain. in my world view, however, i seek a life that is balanced between the extremes and pain is part of that balance. when i was using, being pain-free, was one of the most pleasant side-effects of being high. in the twenty minutes of bliss, i could drift away to a place where pain was not present. as a person in recovery, it is up to me, whether i want to accept that pain is a part of my life and accept its presence as a sign of living a healthy life. acceptance does not equal celebrating my pain, but it does give me an indication that maybe i am doing something that needs to be looked at.
what i heard this morning was less about pain and more about my struggle to live up to the expectations of my employer. what came up from the depths, after i looked at how disappointing my Fantasy Football team performed last night, was that i am moving in the correct direction, i just need to apply myself, instead of spinning my wheels in places that are beyond the scope of the problem i am working on. i have three weeks to get my skill level up to par for them and i will need every minute of that time to do so. living in the FEAR of being let go is not where i want to be. taking constructive steps to get out from under that shadow, is how i plan on proceeding. just as i worked my way up to having the ability to climb to the top of a mountain, so i can work my way up to being a productive employee, even though y-that is not the direction i feel i may be going.
just for today, i am going to use my angst to as a motivation to be better, work smarter and improve. i refuse to sit back and let life pass me by, as i watch it through the window of TV and social media. just for today, i intend on living, even if that means i need to feel a bit of pain, ab it of fear or maybe even a bit of joy and a sense of accomplishment.

∞ DT ∞