Blog entry for:

lets me know when to stop.
once upon a midnight dreary as i pondered weak and weary...
sitting this morning was a struggle to stay in the here and now, and not slip back into sleep. those dread lines from the Mr Edgar Allen Poe, came to mind as i sat down, which right now seems a whole lot better than a speech by the melancholy Danish prince.
what does either of those allusions to literary gems have to do with me, and emotional pain? both speak to the seared and salted plain that my spirit resembled when i came to recovery and a place i can go, when i savor the pain, instead of embracing it and letting it go. that despair, although i denied it vehemently was the pain of not being able to be anything but a using addict. as my recovery progressed and time marched on, i have been in that place, time and again. in those times, i want the pain to pass, because i have developed a notion that i am entitled to be happy. addiction, robs me of the reality of what human life really means. it is not that my suffering, spiritually and emotionally is any greater or lesser than that of my fellows humans, it is just that i do NOT want to feel it. one lesson i learned very well, while i was active in my addiction, is that there is ALWAYS a fix for that, a quick trip into some distracting behaviors and BOOM, i am back in my happy place, once again. as much as i would like to say, i have moved way beyond that, even this morning, as i type this, i want to return to bed, pull the covers over my head and crash like a big dawg for the next twelve hours. i have decided that perhaps a meeting and a bit of of gaming later, before napping is a better path to take this morning. laying around and bemoaning my situation, never made me feel any better, it just gave a me a great big lie to cover up my need to get high.
so the analogy of the body's autonomic reaction to pain, while apt, reminds me of how i used to automatically reach for something to take my pain away. after all i grew up in the world where my culture told me ”that relief was just a swallow away!”
understanding that pain is a part of life on an intellectual level is one thing, learning to accept that emotionally, is quite another. i want, i deserve, i need, the terrible trio of self-obsession fills the space between my ears, when i am in pain and it seems to point to the exact same solution, i can fix this. when asked by a FNG the other day about my using friend, or at least the friends i had when i got clean, i had to honestly say that i did not have any. i told him that my credo was that relationships, even friends, is a whole lot of work that i was unwilling to do, and besides all people did was hurt others, so if my life was bereft of people in my life, i need not ever feel any pain.
this set of steps has brought me to a new understanding of that notion. it is quite true that no one in my life does equal minimal chances to get hurt, but it leads to a very dull, and boring existence, which is not an attractive notion for this addict, these days. today i use pain to see where i am headed and where i have been. if i allow someone to hurt me, without that pain, how would i know that relationship may need to be altered. the list goes on and on, and the hour grows late so:
…Quoth the Raven ”Nevermore.“

∞ DT ∞