Blog entry for:

i am most likely snort in disgust and walk away, thinking i have never encountered a more insensitive person. so this just happens to be one of those readings, that smacks me right between the eyes. i am still stinging from the pain of the rebuke of someone i consider a friend. i could go on and on, about how i am the injured party, and i have been systematically victimized, but in reality, what good would it do. the truth is, i volunteered for it, i expected it and what i wanted to do was justify walking away. three days later, as the pain fades, and as i gather the opinions of my friends and peers in recovery, i still see, that doing nothing, is currently the best course of action. my obsession with needing to be right and justified and vindicated, is disappearing into the background noise of lief on lifeŝs terms. the pain i feel, is a sharp contrast from the joy i feel, when this friend is doing well. the pain of his absence in my life, is something that i have grown accustomed to, and if i choose to cut my losses and run, well not all that much will change. the pain will be there, but i will not have to feel the sharp stab of betrayal and taste the bitter cup of disappointment in his behaviors again. i no longer will have to suffer the slings and arrows of his disrespect or try to fill the bottomless pit of his needs. in f=act the easier softer solution would be to just walk away and allow him the freedom to ask to re-enter my life. that may be exactly what i do, or not. i am still waiting for the small, quiet, calm voice to allow me the freedom to do the next right thing.
so it goes…
this morning, instead of focusing on the pain of 72 hours ago, or the imagined pain of 10 months from now, i think i allow myself to be okay with what i have on my plate today. this weekend is the 15th anniversary, of when i finally got the message that i am not about substances, mind or mood altering, but all about a set of behaviors i call addiction. that weekend all those days ago, up in GREELEY, opened my mind up to possibilities, at a time when it was starting to clamp down and i was withing days of decreeing to say fVck everything and run. i had had it with the social life of the fellowship where i was just hanging. i had had it with the continual battering i took in the fellowship where i was supposedly recovering. i was ready to strike out and find a normal life and i did not need any help from the freaks, wimps and crybabies, i saw in both places. all of a sudden, none of this was working for me, and i now see, that was where the fork in the road was set. had i not gone to my first convention, i would have ended up like my friend in prison, destined to be always on paper, long after the time it would have taken to discharge my sentence and move on as a productive member of society. here i sit today, and i am in awe about what a difference those two and a half days made in my life. i may be a lot of things, but at least i never earned a CDOC number.
so yes, had i not been able to feel the pain, in that slice of time, because i chose to change the way i felt, i would not have ever come as far as i have today. that pain, what i now see was the gift of desperation, albeit thirteen months after the fact, drove me to this new manner of living. today, i guess, i can be grateful for that pain. the stinging rebuke? well that is also a gift as it is creating within me, the desire to do something different, whatever that may look like. there are no apologies in the air today, but there may be a path towards reconciliation, that has yet to be revealed to me. today i will accept that pain is, and allow myself the luxury of feeling it, after all, this too shall pass.

∞ DT ∞