α in active addiction. i was not in my right mind. each day i courted …
Posted: Sat, Nov 8, 2008 08:16:31 AM
...fatal disease, degradation, exploitation, impoverishment, imprisonment, death by violence, even death by sheer stupidity. and much, much more. it amazes me some days, how i ever made through to recovery as intact as i was. however the reading did not speak to me about war stories nor the humor of my insanity in active addiction, what i heard this morning is that i need to remember what i was like, so i can learn to be grateful for what i have been given. because as i look at what i thought and how i acted in real-time, the part of me i call the disease of addiction, tells me that i am still insane, because i…
the litany of sins against myself, stacked as it is, is the evidence that can shows that regardless of how long i have been clean, regardless of how many times i have worked the steps, and regardless of how actively i live a program, i still suffer from insanity. and that part of me is correct, it is after all what the first step is all about. HOWEVER, the first step is not the end of the steps, and just like i have to concede that i am powerless over addiction on a daily basis, if i stop there i am certainly doomed. where is the hope? in the second step of course!
looking at my daily examples of insanity is tenth step work for this addict, realizing that there is a POWER that can restore me to sanity, such as it is right here and right now, is second step work, and with that modicum of HOPE, i can move into step three to turn my will and my life over to the care of…
yes i was nucking futz when i came to the program, yes i still am insane, but relatively speaking, i am quite sane when i am measured against the sanity of the man who finally had enough, all those days ago, and if i continue to do what i have been doing, i will look back on this day and wonder how in the world i could live in such insanity, a few days down the road. no i do not recover overnight, nor would i want to. the growth i experience is jarring enough coming in the doses and at the pace it does. i am certain that is being throttled through the care of a loving HIGHER POWER. but anyhow, i was up early so i could get something done today, so off to the pound the pavement and see if i can work off the dessert i brought home from the restaurant last night.
the litany of sins against myself, stacked as it is, is the evidence that can shows that regardless of how long i have been clean, regardless of how many times i have worked the steps, and regardless of how actively i live a program, i still suffer from insanity. and that part of me is correct, it is after all what the first step is all about. HOWEVER, the first step is not the end of the steps, and just like i have to concede that i am powerless over addiction on a daily basis, if i stop there i am certainly doomed. where is the hope? in the second step of course!
looking at my daily examples of insanity is tenth step work for this addict, realizing that there is a POWER that can restore me to sanity, such as it is right here and right now, is second step work, and with that modicum of HOPE, i can move into step three to turn my will and my life over to the care of…
yes i was nucking futz when i came to the program, yes i still am insane, but relatively speaking, i am quite sane when i am measured against the sanity of the man who finally had enough, all those days ago, and if i continue to do what i have been doing, i will look back on this day and wonder how in the world i could live in such insanity, a few days down the road. no i do not recover overnight, nor would i want to. the growth i experience is jarring enough coming in the doses and at the pace it does. i am certain that is being throttled through the care of a loving HIGHER POWER. but anyhow, i was up early so i could get something done today, so off to the pound the pavement and see if i can work off the dessert i brought home from the restaurant last night.
∞ DT ∞