∏ i will take some time to recall how insane i have been ∏
Posted: Tue, Nov 8, 2011 08:52:20 AM
i will thank the POWER that fuels my recovery for the sanity that is being restored to my life.
what a 24 hours! all over the map this morning, mostly beat-up tired, as what seems like an simple task turned into a long drawn out affair last night. i am grateful that i stopped, took a minute and realized that driving home from Greeley at 1:30 or 2:00 in the am last night, was probably insane and came up with an alternative plan.
this morning, in hindsight, it was worth the money i put out to get a still suffering addict off the street and if his willingness remains today, i will complete the task i started at 10:00 PM last night, namely get a willing addict to detox.
so although the reading focuses on my insanity while a using addict, what i heard this morning was gratitude from being relieved of the insanity of my self-will. i have really been nucking futz until about two weeks ago. all of a sudden, i saw how insane i was acting and remembered that i can do more than pay lip service to a THIRD STEP surrender. i can actually allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, and i can let go of my schemes and manipulations. the amazing part of that was, once i did that, consciously and with premeditation, instead of phoning it in, i became more centered, level-headed and capable of doing what i NEEDED to do. that is not to say, that i am pleased with all that is going on around me, BUT i am pleased to say, that right here and right now, i can let all of that go and allow whatever NEEDS to happen, to happen in its own time and following its own course.
i may not have been asking for a fatal illness or a heart attack, but i was not far off, trying to control things that are still way beyond my power, i am glad, that to the bet of my knowledge, no one has died from my machinations and manipulative behavior and although my feelings have not changed, the fire is out of them, and i am okay allowing myself to feel what i feel, experience what i am experiencing and move forward into my next phase of insanity, just like it is supposed to be. amazingly, it almost feels courageous to let go and walk through my fear of what may or may not happen.
so what is next in the game plan? well some work, acupuncture, more work, a trip to GREELEY, gars with the guys and a meeting. all of that will be nice, i will settle for what i can get, as the plan of today unfolds before me. yes, i may still be insane , but my spiritual psychosis does not last as long as it used to, and to date has not led me back to active addiction. it is a wonderful day to walk in the light of recovery.
what a 24 hours! all over the map this morning, mostly beat-up tired, as what seems like an simple task turned into a long drawn out affair last night. i am grateful that i stopped, took a minute and realized that driving home from Greeley at 1:30 or 2:00 in the am last night, was probably insane and came up with an alternative plan.
this morning, in hindsight, it was worth the money i put out to get a still suffering addict off the street and if his willingness remains today, i will complete the task i started at 10:00 PM last night, namely get a willing addict to detox.
so although the reading focuses on my insanity while a using addict, what i heard this morning was gratitude from being relieved of the insanity of my self-will. i have really been nucking futz until about two weeks ago. all of a sudden, i saw how insane i was acting and remembered that i can do more than pay lip service to a THIRD STEP surrender. i can actually allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, and i can let go of my schemes and manipulations. the amazing part of that was, once i did that, consciously and with premeditation, instead of phoning it in, i became more centered, level-headed and capable of doing what i NEEDED to do. that is not to say, that i am pleased with all that is going on around me, BUT i am pleased to say, that right here and right now, i can let all of that go and allow whatever NEEDS to happen, to happen in its own time and following its own course.
i may not have been asking for a fatal illness or a heart attack, but i was not far off, trying to control things that are still way beyond my power, i am glad, that to the bet of my knowledge, no one has died from my machinations and manipulative behavior and although my feelings have not changed, the fire is out of them, and i am okay allowing myself to feel what i feel, experience what i am experiencing and move forward into my next phase of insanity, just like it is supposed to be. amazingly, it almost feels courageous to let go and walk through my fear of what may or may not happen.
so what is next in the game plan? well some work, acupuncture, more work, a trip to GREELEY, gars with the guys and a meeting. all of that will be nice, i will settle for what i can get, as the plan of today unfolds before me. yes, i may still be insane , but my spiritual psychosis does not last as long as it used to, and to date has not led me back to active addiction. it is a wonderful day to walk in the light of recovery.
∞ DT ∞