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quite the interesting topic for one such as me. when i came to in recovery, i would have very vocally told you that i was definitely NOT insane so keep all your deist notions away from me, thank you very much! parts of that statement would still be true today, mainly keep your deist views away from me, but insanity, well that is a different story. it was not until i has some sanity restored to my life, that i realized how crazy nutz i was and how much restoration was still needed. i may be a quick study in many respects, but when it comes to seeing myself in an accurate manner, not so much. for me, part of my insanity, is the denial i am anything different from my peers and the rest of humanity. i do not see my thinking as insane or even that far from the average bear.
as the steps, my peers and my sponsor, hammered away at the wall of denial i had built, i cam to believe that perhaps, if one looked at in in this new manner of thinking, i might just be a little insane. it took a whole lot more going on, to get me to the pointy, that i was ready to admit that not only was i insane, but i needed a POWER greater than me, to restore me to a semblance of sanity. the question then becomes, what is so freakin' today?
well today, i am safely ensconced in the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. that POWER is not what my friends and peers would call GOD, and they do not need to, as i have been given the freedom to embark on a journey of spiritual exploration. i am grateful that yesterday as a topper to the plans that were delayed and thwarted i was not called upon to share my journey when the speaker did not show up. not that i am unwilling to speak, or share the milestones of my journey, but for all i can see yesterday was not that day. the insanity of unmet expectations was all around me, swirling and bubbling as if a maelstrom was about to take me to the depths to meet the kraken. as i accepted i was not going to get done what i wanted to, because of one thing or another was in my way, i noticed that insanity seemed to be reigning supreme all around me. yes, once i stepped out from my wall of insanity i was capable of being present for the insanity of my friends, peers and acquaintances. why is it, that those who are the furthest out, expect the most from those of us in the middle. time and again, over the past few years, and especially over the past few weeks, i have more than one on the margin, lament that they cannot get what they want from their peers, and “friends.”
i know the feeling, been there and done that, and might still have that T-shirt as well. part of my insanity was expecting those in the rooms to do everything i wanted, and to do those things with no expectations of return. i wanted them done in real-time and i wanted them to ask if there was anything else, i needed. i was certainly more than a bit disappointed when they spoke of self-support and taking responsibility for my own life. in fact i thought they were the crazy ones, not me. today, i am grateful, that i was not rescued by the kind and co-dependent. i had to take some responsibility, spend some cold spiritual nights in open terrain and generally learn to rely on the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and pay attention to the opportunities i had to grow into a saner version of the me that walked into the rooms. i owe those members a debt of gratitude for allowing me to discover my path to sanity and a direction in my recovery that allowed me to grow into the man i am becoming today.

∞ DT ∞