Blog entry for:

i certainly do forget how truly bizarre my insane thinking has and can be. i, like many of my peers, came into recovery with a belief that all that i did was perfectly rational and sane. rationalization, justification and denial were the three-pronged attack against reality, so when i was merely abstinent, i was quite sure that STEP TWO did not apply to me. when i finally got floored by the fact that i was powerless over my desire to use and actually started working a program of recovery, i had my doubts that i was ever sane, when i was in the midst of that first SECOND STEP. i was still living in a binary world of extremes and it took some time for that pendulum to stop swing quite so far.
as i look back on my journey through active addiction and into active recovery, i can see many milestones or pivotal events. i may not remember my first ice cream cone, or when i gave up my virginity, but i certainly remember the first time i got high. how it felt, where i was and who i was with and how i wished that it would never, ever end. for twenty-five years i chased that experience, and i told my self that just one more would recreate that moment, all over again. it never did, but that was what drove me deeper and deeper into addiction. the insanity of that path is quite evident today, as i now know one can never go back to what was, no matter how much effort one puts into it. as the years and decades rolled by, i became more and more determined and less and less able to rationally assess where i was going. as much as i hated being forced into the justice system, i know today, that brief and naive journey was what i needed to stay clean long enough to have what many call a moment of clarity. fear of incarceration, no matter how unfounded, saved me from my insanity.
moving into the here and now, i guess it was a bit insane to think my fellow citizens would elect a woman president, who was sending a message of hope, rather than hate and anger. today, two days after, i see that i have to continue to take up the fight and be ready to resist what may come. i have been a sheeple for far too long and as i am approaching the last chapters in my life story i know i have to keep raising my voice and doing my best to be part of a solution. not sure how the next six months are going to play out, much less the next four years, but i plan on doing my best to be part of a force for change, rather than just another person who believes that this setback is a total defeat. i am not defeated and acknowledge i have lost this battle, but today is a new day to take up the fight and move forward.

∞ DT ∞