Blog entry for:

i courted fatal disease, degradation, exploitation, impoverishment, imprisonment, death by violence, even death by sheer stupidity! ah, the litany of insanity and even though most of this was quite obvious to me, for quite some, time, back in the day, i had come to accept it as fact, you know, “there is nothing to see here, move along.”
the times they are a changin'. it is difficult to remember where i was way back when, and i need constant reminders of how bad it really was. i am grateful, that one of my few remaining service commitments, takes me into close contact with men who are on the other end of the spectrum, recovery-wise, anyhow. they are just beginning their journey through the recovery process because they are tired of a single consequence, namely the loss of their freedoms. only when they stop, put their lives in context, in part because of the message i get to carry, they see that there is an alternative to the endless revolving door, that is their journey through the justice system. ironic as it may sound, when i stopped committing daily felonies, the justice system moved out of my life. the same is true for the rest of the insanity that ruled my life. when i stopped using people, they begin to give me what i needed, often without me asking for it. when i took the steps necessary to become self-supporting, i got all the support i needed from my peers and friends in recovery. when i opened my mind and started to think for myself, i got the clarity of mind and the freedom to live my life in a whole different manner. and amazingly enough, when i stopped using, the need to use, disappeared. so why in the world would i not believe that the steps and a program of active recovery will not continue the process of restoration to a state i never really had? that is the crux of the question, was i really ever sane before i took that first dose? to the best of my recollection, i was not. i may not have been in active addiction, but i certainly was not nearly as sane as i am today. i am being restored to a state that i can never remember being, and as a result, have more than a little FEAR about where this is all going. with my peers, especially those who were here when i got here, to guide me, i can have FAITH, that unless i fall into the old-timers trap, i can continue the journey towards becoming what i never was, secure in the knowledge, that yes, just for today, that is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. jobs, relationships, sponsees, people all come and go, and i am powerless over that ebb and flow. today i choose to accept what little personal power i do have and allow myself the freedom to recover creatively within the framework the fellowship has given me. that means listening to those i do not respect, as closely as i listen to those i do. the sane part is, what they have to share may just save my life, even if it is nothing but a parroting of the party line, clichés and bumper stickers. even if it semi-cognizant rambling from someone who has not worked with a sponsor for quite some time. even it it utter m=nonsense and it is coming from my mouth. all of that has value, of some sort, and the POWER that fuels my recovery does not mince words or waste time, there is certainly something there i need to learn, so i need to shut the FVCK up and listen, like just for today.

∞ DT ∞